Surrendered Rainbow

2003-02-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

02/11/01 -- 10:36 a.m.

disconnected is the way that i wanted it to be...

i feel i have accomplished a lot already this morning... i don't think there is anything like the feeling of accomplishment. already i've woken up twice. once at 7:14 am to go next door and let out my grandma's puppies so they don't shit in the garage. i drove there, even though it's just next door. i felt so groggy and was in these awful striped red pj's and couldn't bear the embarrassment of anyone being exposed to that. i went to bed after that, ashley was still curled up on the chair and she was still out, completely absorbed in her dreams.

ashley looked all intent last night when she asked me why i analize my dreams, i looked at her blankly... i knew why, yet sometimes explaining stuff to her is just not worth it. she thinks pink hair is weird and anything different, or anything that breaks the barriers is odd and she hates it. when i call her a "prep" she whines about it and tries to come up with ways that shes different. but there are none, and she knows it. but she still tells me one day she's going to surprise me and come to school with black hair... i roll my eyes...

anyway, i woke up again at 9:30ish. i could hear the handle door to my room being opened and i ignored it, i knew it was ashley. i finally looked up and she was standing in the doorway. memories of last night flooded through my brain...

valentines dance in the school cafeteria last night...

ashley had begged me for weeks to go, said it's my senior year and i had no excuse to just not go. i finally gave in, i picked out a sleek black 1940's dress and a long black wool and fox coat, heels, the whole 9 yards... we curled my hair even though it's fried... and ashley put on a long pink and black lace dress. we went, and what i knew would happened happened.

we stood in the back together, talking quietly and watching the events unfold in the room... i don't dance, she knows this, i hammered this into her head before we left... and anyway, if i were to dance, i'd be plastered and in a dress i could actually move in, AND i wouldn't be grooving to a scratchy karokee machine to some zit faced kid that cannot sing.

i felt so anti-social but i was totally fine with that. and ashley had every opportunity to get out there and dance. she didn't. her loss.

when we got back to my house she said she had to call her mom, and that she needed to "sound out of breath and excited... like i had a good time." i stared at her blankly, "you didn't have a good time?" she shook her head "nope." i narrowed my eyes, "because of me?" she nodded, i frowned, "thanks a lot", then i turned away and she got all appologetic. i told her to just forget it. and then it felt all hell broke lose in my brain, there was no shouting, but afterwards there was agonizing silence. silence filled with a few sobs from her, curled up on the chair across the room.

but i felt they were fake tears, and sobs and i didn't acknowledge them. and soon they ceased and the air was filled with the sounds of her steady breathing. she fell asleep and i actually felt glad of that.

now there she stood this morning, as if nothing had happened and i was perfectly fine with that, i was in no mood to argue. i laid there, just looked at her and she looked at me and collapsed to the bed. i told her to get ready for work and crawled out of bed.

as i waited for her, i got an old earring and re-pierced the cartlidge of my ear, it hurt but i was in no mood to talk, it occupied my time. and it still hurts...

she's gone now, i took her to work... now it feels like it should be night time because she much has gone through my mind mentally...

i need to go now.

2003-02-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

02/15/01 -- 9:04 p.m.

"sometimes something can look beautiful just because it's differen't in some way from the other things around it." --andy warhol

today just started out on the wrong foot from the very beginning... so all i have to say is ack to this day... this morning, at 7:00 am, i get a phone call... now normally when the phone rings this early it's usually my step dad, on his way to work, realizing he forgot to turn off the coffee pot and asking mom (who already has) to turn it off. but this phone call was for me... i recognized the voice right away, it was juls. she told me she was just calling to say her dad said there was a bad wreck downtown and if i wanted to avoid a ton of traffic that i should take some twisty detour that i have never even remotely heard of. i thanked her but said i'd manage and hung up... i'm so fucking stubborn.

i even left a bit earlier than usual... i wanted to get to school a bit early because i had some stuff i needed to look up in the library. i pulled out of my driveway and about halfway to town i get stuck in traffic, it's obviously going no where, a lot of people turned around in the middle of the highway. i stayed with it because i had this insane (and unusual!) urge to actually get my ass to school on time.

i soon realized that was not gonna happen... i approached a policeman directing traffic, the road was blocked to we were being forced to turn. i made that turn because i assumed surely this herd of cars had to be headed somewhere so i went with it...

needless to say it was a long, crowded, and nervewracking drive through the country... through god knows where all and it ended up merging back on the highway across the other side of town. i got to school alive and at the time that's all that mattered.

i got to school 25 minutes late, but it was ok and it was excused.

i saw ashley in the hall first thing when i got there... it was weird and awkward because i'd argued all night last night with her on aol... told her how i felt and let her know what was agrivating me about her... and she didn't take it too well but its all resolved now and i'm not in the mood to elaborate.

the "wreck" ended up being a truck that was pulled over that was completely stocked with explosives and drugs... they had one of those robots checking it out and they didn't get it cleared and the roads open until 5:00... so of course this was todays gossip and no telling how much was elaborated and added to it...

school in general was boring but we are working on a nice painting in art and i really like it because it's tropical and nice and all and makes me think about the islands...

i'm so proud of myself, i made a 77 on my government test!!!... that class is known for being hard and i'm actually passing!!! this means i get to go to the future teachers convention next friday! go me!!!

today at work i was really bored... pretending to be busy i stood in the back room. i changed the blade on an exacto knife and just started to cut myself. i dunno why exactly, well, yes i do... but it started out as just a scratch to leave an imprint in the flesh, soon i was pushing down and there was blood... and now there is a bandaid... but i don't feel bad... i don't regret it or anything... it's my body.

this remindes me of what i did 2 years ago when i was in love with jason, when i carved a huge "J" on my leg and wouldn't allow it to heal over... now it's gone and so is my love for him.

and no, i'm not weird and i don't 'like pain' or to do really weird things to my body, this didn't hurt too bad and it just felt like a way to express the pain i'm goign through emotionally lately. dont try to understand it, most likely you wouldn't understand.

my grandma had surgery today... she's in the hospital now but i really don't wanna talk about that.

i really don't have that much to say tonight... it's just been complex and i'm glad tomorrow is friday... i don't have anything to spiffy planned for the weekend... still saving every penny for that tongue piercing... i cannot afford to do anything.

bye now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T23:03:00.000-06:00

02/16/01 -- 11:31 p.m.

"a person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." --nikos kazantzakis

i'm cold.

my hands are cold, my arms are cold, but my feet are ice blocks. why the fuck is it always so cold down here?...

i have to many things to write about tonight, i'm tired, but i'll make a lame attempt at it.

right now i'm in another fucking dilemma with ashley on aol instant messenger, i'm tired as fuck of her melodramatics... tired of her stupid little suicidal hinted exits on aim... just tired of it...

she brought it up to frann today and thats fucked up, frann probably thinks she's fucked up in the head because she's always in another dilemma and crying and being all "poor me" about it. she just craves attention and makes herself act all depressed and helpless for attention and that drives me nuts because i can see past it. she thinks she has it so bad, that she's seriously fucked up... she's not that fucking fucked up, she just likes to think she is and to make a huge fucking soap opera about it. all for the dramatics, sweetie... it's getting so old though.

i need to go to bed now. night.

2003-02-16T22:56:00.000-06:00

02/17/01 -- 05:20 p.m.

"No motion she has now, no force;

She neither hears nor sees;

Rolled round in earth's diurnal course,

With rocks, and stones, and trees."

--Milton

i'm still cold... i swear it's warmer outside than it is in here. yet, it's freezing outside... the sun is out, it's misleading. everything is so fucking misleading these days. i'm frustrated. very frustrated with life in general these days.

things are weird today... i got up late and still nothing has happened... it's like i blinked, time fastforwarded, and it is now 5:00 in the evening. i am still in my pajamas, i still have accomplished absolutely nothing... and i'm hungry... so hungry but too unwilling to do a thing about it. they say time flys when your having fun... but i have not been having fun, and still, time has flown by.

it's fucking saturday... so why the hell am i holed up in my house, online, and fucking freezing???

because i'm broke.

well... I have $10 on me but i need it for gas and i'm saving it... saving the gas.

i get paid monday.

but i won't get the check until tuesday because my boss always forgets. but it's not like it matters anyway, because i have to use every penny for my car payment and insurance.

maybe it's what all that i'm avoiding that is confusing me...

ashley comes tomorrow... and not just for a day... she's moving in with me for a week... damn, it seems like an eternity, and it shouldn't... i am so fucking selfish. but why does her mom have to go out of state at a time when things are so fucked up between us? our emotions and all... i'm just sorta being very vague with her, she doesn't understand me, but it seems thats the wisest thing to do. i think things between us are now just ragged and fucked... maybe i said stuff to her that i shouldn't have... maybe i was rash and uncompromising... but things needed to be aired out and be said. and now they have been and i'm dealing with the consequences.

no, i'm not mad at her, i'm not bitter... just frustrated and confused so i'm shoving it all aside and putting on a mask. for the time being at least. this has just been a crazy month and i kinda wish it had just never happened.

i've been thinking about odd things today... little snipplets of my life. random things not triggered by anything in particular...

i'm remembering birthday parties we had in the summer... those muggy summer nights, jessie, christopher and i.... year after year... how we'd break away from the party of old people, how we'd climb up on the roof and stare at the stars and talk about strange things. philosophies.... our little philosophies... and i wish, right now, instead of being in this freezing room, i wish i was back in time with them... back on the roof, staring so carefree at the stars.

so much has changed... i have not heard from jessie in months... her phone is disconnected and she's so absorbed with her loser boyfriend that i think things have changed forever, and she still wants to work in a mental institution... how fucked up is that? she will no longer think the same because she was forced to grow up to quickly. she'll be 15 next friday... oh god... i just realized that...

ok, this is making me sad... i have to stop.

stop this madness.

think happy thoughts...

2003-02-16T22:32:00.000-06:00

02/25/01 -- 9:02 p.m.

i don't care if it hurts,

i want to have control,

i want a perfect soul,

i want you to notice

when i'm not around,

you're so fucking special...

i wish i was special...

it seems like forever since i've written, that really is a drag because i was doing good about my writing again. nearly daily, woo hoo! anyway the reason i slacked off is because i got pissy with my mom... err, well, to make a long story short, i ended up being grounded. well... i was grounded from the computer, (of course) the one thing i do daily that my mom knew would piss me off if she took away. i swear, i think i'll take up jabbering on the phone so maybe she'll take something i hate away from me...

for some dumb, unknown reason i'm not capable to doing two things at once today... meaning, i just had to cut off music because i was losing my attention (typing) span of writing out this diary... ugggg, i'm so weird lately!!!

well anyway, a week. she made me wait a week before letting me get back online and amazingly i did alright... i mean yeah, i bitched about it but i didn't let her know if got to me too too much. at least i like to think i didn't... and in any case, i had another distraction, ashley moved in for that one week, while her mom was out of town. it really made time drag on, though i feel like such a bitch about it but i was SO ready for her to go home. i know even mom was...

i still find myself unable to handle her dramaticness, i mean it's ok to a certain extent... but she's overdosing me on it. it's always something, she craves attention and thrives on it... i guess it's a psychological thing... i shouldn't try to figure it out. and yah i might be attracted to disfunctional people and friends but this is driving me insane... sometimes i wish i'd never met her...

...but then i'd have no one who halfway understands what i'm feeling. so yes, even now, i still have good times with ashley... but i'm tired of giving advice and have her not taking it to heart.... i'm just fed up!!!!

maybe i'm just a bitch.

lord knows, i feel like one...

she fucked some stuff up this past week... i still cannot get it off my mind... i've explained it so many times to people online but i think it's pretty important that i repeat myself again on here so i have a record to remind myself of it...

wheew... talk about run ons!!!... i'm just in a weird bouncy, yet depressed, concerned mood tonight. i need to talk... just remember, if it makes no sense it's because of the jumble in my mind...

two fridays ago ashley went into frann's classroom... she said it was to tell her to have a nice weekend, anyway, it ended up being that ashley got to talking to her and ended up confessing a bunch of stuff to her. (it had to do with a letter that got picked up in another class, but i'm in no mood to get into that...) confessing stuff about parties she's been to and how she likes to drink... she told me about their conversation later and of course i got pretty mad... it's one thing to have a problem and to go to a friend, but going to a teacher (friend or not) is just a bad idea... in general. i mean as a teacher, they are obligated to report anything they hear of that puts a kid in danger. and i know frann... i know how she stresses about stuff and lets stuff get to her.

she's emotional. always.

and i knew, sitting there, talking to ashley in AOL IM about the "confession" that it was a bad idea...

but i knew it was even moreso on monday when frann took me aside in the hall and whispered "i'm worried about ashley"... and i knew she would, she worried over it all weekend... and i knew she would, that's just the way she is. and sure enough she said she didn't know what she would do, being in her position and all. i told her not to worry anymore, that i'd figure something out.... just don't worry anymore. but her eyes still looked drained and worried.

i hope she takes that to heart. I hate to see her upset.

ashley fucked up again that week, frann was already fragile and still worried about the whole thing and she didn't *need* to overhear ashley talking about some wild party in the bathroom. ashley told me when frann walked out of that stall she felt like fainting... because she knew the effect she'd made. how it was like skating on thin ice, thin ice of emotions. and all week she's been trying to get things back... and of course frann is gracious and kind about it, but i know, and ashley knows things between the three of us will never be the same.

ashley is going to a counselor now, attempting to sort out her emotions, but i still need a break from her, i feel like i'm drowning in her emotions.

anyway, i went on a weekend convention out of town for future teachers, 4 students showed up... we rented a nice big school bus and a driver and stayed in an ultra posh hotel... it was fun, i learned so much...

i'm skipping around... i've had a lot to say...

mom found out i've been cutting myself. i had a little chinese symbol on my hand for the best part of the week and she finally noticed it, i didn't think much of it. she flipped out, completely. for some retarted reason i kept laughing, i just couldn't control it. that pissed her off more. she thinks i did it becasue of my friends, thinks i'm hanging out with 'trash' now... but none of my friends have this. it was merely a way to express myself and i think nothing of it. she *still* thinks the symbol is something having to do with a cult. it fucking means "teacher"! goddamn it. and besides, i'm smarter now...

note: next time i cut myself do it somewhere where mom won't see.

too bad she missed the symbol on my ankle, the heart and scratches on my thigh, and so-and-so's name on my stomach... oh fuck it.

no, i'm not fucked up!!!! i don't get pleasure out of it, but what the fuck is it hurting? it's my only release sometimes.

i have to go back to work tomorrow, oh hell.

i'm bummed now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T22:20:00.000-06:00

02/26/01 -- 9:39 p.m.

giving away promises

i know that i can't keep

nothing fills the blackness

that has seeped into my chest

i need you in my blood

i am forsaking all the rest

just to reach you

i have been lost deep in thought for most of the evening... it's just one of those evenings... i'm not really in the mood to type but i cannot afford to get behind again. it helps me. helps me sort through this mass of stuff clogging my brain.

i spent the evening with ashley, called dawn too... ashley and i went and had film developed. we took her camcorder and filmed driving around town. we filmed people in their cars, we got dirty looks, but some people had a sense of humor and waved and were cool. i cannot wait to watch this tape again in 20 years and see what all has changed. ashley wants to do it again tomorrow and i think i'm up for it.

ashley doesn't get why i bother writing journals, she doesn't get it... i don't think she realizes it's online and stuff. i'm never gonna tell her, this is my corner... i don't mind strangers and online friends reading it though... just, i dunno.... her reading it would be weird, she might get mad at some stuff in here, since i'm so often pissed at her. i vent about her. but i need to.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T17:06:00.000-06:00

03/02/01 -- 9:25 p.m.

"The more I explore neurosis the more I become aware that it is a modern form of Romanticism. It stems from the same source, a hunger for perfection, an obsession with living out what one has imagined, and it is found to be illusory, a rejection of reality, the power to imagine and to to sustain one's endurance, and the the creative force turned into destruction."
- Anais Nin

i just got out of the shower... i feel better now. i was restless before. now i'm thirsty... i cannot get comfortable, i think i'm thinking about too many things. my brain is working overtime, i cannot narrow in on anything. i am drifting haphazardly, lost my train of thought again...

useless... it's all so incredibly useless...

it's all so predictable. i need a vacation. i need to get away from myself. to not think for once. i need to take everything related to anything that i'm dealing with right now and just set it aside. i need to just not think for once. i just want to drift and feel no emotions, no pains. i just want to exist somehow, dangling in my own space... in my own corner...

i'm drinking lemonaide now. it's pink. it's too sweet and cloggs up my throat. i usually like this but it's too sweet now and gives me a headache. i get those a lot lately. i pop pills and it momentarily stops the pain. i have quit having anxiety attacks though... thats a good sign i suppsose. thats such a sad fucking feeling.

my cousin comes to austin tomorrow, i'm driving there because i never get to see him. i miss him. we'll probably go shopping or just chill.

ok, i need to clear my throat...

i need water.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T17:01:00.000-06:00

03/05/01 -- 9:43 p.m.

what is it you adore?... what would you die for?

i posed that question to ashley today... we were driving and i was feeling philosophical so i asked her. she thought a minute and said rather matter of factly, "i'd die for my kids." i blinked, "but you don't have kids yet..." she shrugged. she asked me. i felt kinda dumb because i couldn't tell her honestly what i'd die for. so i blinked again and said "for my mom, even though she's a bitch to me most of the time..."

the weekend was good, i got out of here... i *needed* to... my cousin christopher came down and i saw jessie... we dyed christopher's whole head blue, it turned out nice... i put a streak in mine... it's dark blue. i don't know why i did it, out of boredom i suppose.

clay and i talked a lot today, he invited me to go to a late night car show in some parking lot in austin next saturday. i'll go. i like clay a lot... i always have... but he's a friend and i don't want to ever cross that boundary. because that fucks stuff up.

i need to go now...

goodnight.

2003-02-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

03/08/01 -- 9:49 p.m.

bury my heart separately, it's something that doesn't belong to me...

life is fucked. fucked, fucked, fucked... yeah i'm pissed off... can you tell?... i'm steamed and i prolly shouldn't be writing this entry because i'm really ready to vent, sometimes that's the best time to write though...

what are friends?... i think i'll shift over to dictionary.com and look up the meaning... lets see...

friend (frnd) n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes

ok... now we all know what a friend is... or at least we think we do and that counts for a lot. i've come to the conclusion i have no *real* friends. i have people trying to play the part, stumbling along somewhat by my side, claiming to "understand"... yet i refuse to believe it anymore, i've been a fool all along for trusting, for thinking i had someone who cared... i'm tired of lies, empty promises, hoping... and being let down. i've taken it before, thought it was probably just me... but now i've decided to not dedicate myself anymore, to anyone. because what is a friend?... is it one who is always too preoccupied with other more "important" things to do rather than attempt to help? if even to listen for a moment, just one moment when listening could help me so much... is it one who is too caught up in their own life to listen for a few minutes to a person who really needs a friend to talk to? and it's always that, it's always inconvienent to talk. i'm tired of investing so many concerns in a friendship and having that person spit in my face. kicked me when im already down... well, you know who you are. thanks a lot, you know i'd never do it to you.

i'm really through this time.

fuck you. and fuck all your goddamn schoolwork. i hope some day you realize what you've done, maybe then you'll feel what it feels like to be me.

tell me something dangerous and true.

and as for ashley (no all the ranting above was not for her), i'm through with her too. that hurts but i have to... she thrives on being miserable and in the process makes everyone around her miserable. i cannot take it anymore. well, we might end up being friends again but that bond we had before is completely broken. i cannot take it anymore, i really can't. i have enough on my mind without worrying over this. talking to her doesn't help either... it does momentarily but then everything shifts back to normal. so much for trying to be a fucking friend.

word of the day: friend

something bad happened to frann yesterday... i found out today and am still boggling over it. i am angry tonight, so very angry and i cannot help it. i'm sorry... i sound so fucking depressed... but really i'm not. i'm just going through a rough time. thoughts... having no friends to support me hurts too...

well anyway, about frann... i had this feeling yesterday when i left school, this paranoia... i went by frann's classroom after 3rd period as i always do to talk for a few minutes before rushing off to work. she's usually always there. always. yesterday she wasn't. the room was dark, locked. dead. i couldn't find her anywhere and somehow i knew she was not on campus, it worried me because it was so unlike her... i thought of it all evening. told myself i was just paranoid and tried to block it out again.

this morning i walked into school and straight to her room, luckily she was there, she asked me if i heard about yesterday. i said no, "what happened?" she started to talk about it while she did her usual habit of organizing all her stuff as she talked, pausing every so often... she said yesterday she was having her lunch in the faculty lounge, they were laughing and talking like they always do. she said all of a sudden she got *really* light headed. she said she couldn't even see straight and had no clue what was happening to her. when the bell rang mrs. barr had to "literally hold me up and walk me down the hall". she said when she got to her class room, "i managed to get class started". then she said she sat down and the phone rang, she couldn't get up so she had to call nate over to help her get up. "i said 'nate, you're gonna have to help me, there's no way i can get to that phone.'" so he helped her over there... then she skipped around and suddenly she was telling me about how "sweet mr. crouse and mr rose" came to her assistance. that mr. rose taught her class while mr. crouse stopped whatever he was doing and drove her to the hospital. she told me (motioning with her hands) that they "pricked my fingers and everything, did their little tests." she said she even felt nascious and she said at one point the doctor asked her "what do you mean by 'lightheaded'? is the room spinning." she said to him "NO the ROOM is not spinning my HEAD is though."they said that her blood pressure went from 160something to 60, then to 90, then to 60, all in a few minutes time. they asked her if she'd been fasting and she was like "no, i had a biscuit and sausage for breakfast and had a caesar salad just earlier for lunch". she also said she has a history of high blood pressure in her family. they gave her pills, she referred to them as her "chill pills." i asked if they worked and she said "yeah but even that evening when i was doing stuff like unloading my dishwasher i felt lightheaded again."

worried? yes, of course i'm worried about her...

we had finals today. i took my art one but my main hard tests are tomorrow. i have not studied because i feel if i dont know it by now cramming the before will only confuse me... spring break starts tomorrow. i found out i'm not working. the lazy part of me screams "yay!" the practical part says "money... you need money..." i do need more hours... i need to talk to my mom about getting my tounge pierced *again*... i wanna do it tomorrow and she's still so anti-it. fucking hell...

i *need* to do it tomorrow.

i just asked her... mom said no again, she says i have to move out...

maybe i will.

i just talked to jessie on the phone. she bought me a clear tounge ring... she thinks i should move out. maybe i will....

ok, i'm tired now and my head is fucked.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:22:00.000-06:00

03/09/01 -- 11:10 p.m.

little miss magic, watcha gonna be?

i just realized how much i've been on mom's computer lately... this is ordinarily so forbidden... she doesn't like me using it. it's new. it's hers. yet somehow she has not uttered a word about it, and she's nice. she's being nice to me, and i, i am being nice too...

i'm thinking (knowing) it has something to do with the whole moving out prospect that i have been narrowing in on... she is so anti-tounge piercing and it's driving me insane, because she told me no once she just refuses to change her mind. now to me, it's the principle of the whole thing, i'm not letting up. it's so fucking unfair... yah, i'm willing to move out, but i'm too damn lazy to actually get stuff organized enough *to* move out... there is just a lot to it and i have sorting out to do in my head. at least before i make any really rash decisions that can totally fuck up my future, because, believe it or not, i *do* care.

but for now, i'm kinda relishing in how nice my mom is being to me... it all seems so foreign these days.

my cousin and her boyfriend came down this evening but they went to bed already. it's not like old times... i don't follow her around anymore, i just sit down here online. we've grown apart and are both so different.

she always wanted the white picket fence. i ran from that, i've always ran from anything that could tie me down...

we had dinner. it was nice although i ate to much and now i feel like a pig. it's been a fucked up day... spring break now. so yeah.

i'm going to bed now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:19:00.000-06:00

03/10/01 -- 11:59 p.m.

i should go to bed. i'm sleepy, i'm making no sense. dawn just left, she came over because she was sorry she felt too bad to go to the carnival with me. she shouldn't be sorry but it's like her to feel bad when she lets me down. we watched a movie, me, dawn, kristin (my cousin) and kris' boyfriend. i forgot the name of it, the movie. it was pretty funny although my eyelids felt heavy, they feel even moreso now.

kristin and waylon went upstairs to sleep, they were being noisy, they woke my mom and she was mad and started shouting down the stairwell at dawn and i. dawn and i were in a deep conversation about tounge rings and principals. i told mom to yell at my cousin because i had not been loud at all. i don't think she did but all the noises upstairs have ceased.

i got my hair cut today. i guess that was the big highlight of the day. i just decided that my hair was much to long and much to fried to deal with anymore. we did it at wal-mart and i'm very pleased. i decided i wanted bangs too, so i did it. and it's short and pretty and i'm happy with my hair for once. i need to just leave the coloring alone but i really hate the color it is right now. oh bah!

i wanted to go to that damned carnival.

i'm glad dawn came over.

i have a crick in my neck... i never have these and i dunno what brought it on. it hurts when i hold my head in a certain position... eck. is there a cure for this or must i just suffer?

i need to clean my room. i have wet sheets in the washer, i forgot to switch it to the dryer. i guess i'll have to sleep on my matress tonight because i won't last long enough for them to dry. not tonight. and then there's putting them on the bed. oh hell.

well, hell.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:14:00.000-06:00

03/11/01 -- 11:27 p.m.

i cannot complain much about today, i had a decent day, it started out rainy and gloomy but it blossomed into a gorgeous day. sunny with a lovely crisp breeze... i think good days kinda put me in a good mood... laa li laa...

it was a cruddy day for hairdo's though... i curled my hair and all... it was lovely. then i walked outside and my masterpiece went flat and frizzy, eh, figures... i was stubborn though and i didn't pull it back.

we went to some caverns today... toured them. it was really neat. i had been before but today was definately better. i paid attention and everything. it was a nice trip and we got ice cream afterwards! then we came home and went boating and my hair got even more fucked over but that was okay because we had fun...

my cousin got drunk tonight. her boyfriend too. she came slinking down the stairs with a bottle of peach 'puckers' and a grin. they went outside, tried to get me to go too, but i stayed inside... they came in moaning and holding their stomachs. i couldn't help but smirk.

i'm such a bitch.

heh, i need to go put the sheets on my bed now...

speaking of beds... i've been thinking about my college room. yep, yep, i must have lavender walls, shag rugs, and a leopard bed spread... gaudy, gaudy, gaudy!

oh, if you sign my guestbook i'll give you a cyber daisy ;)! puleeze!!?? here.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T14:46:00.000-06:00

03/12/01 -- 10:15 p.m.

"you stare at the wall... like it's a window..."

my internet has been fucked up all day and it's annoying the hell out of me. sometimes it will let me on and everything is ok... then it fucks up again... of course it fucks up at a time thats the very worse for me... it usually connects but no web pages will load. grrrrrrrrrr.... i need the internet, there is absolutely nothing else to do. technology... bleh.

it stormed last night, and it was actually a real storm... rainy and loud. i love that... i opened one of my windows and just let the mist filter through, it felt so good, comforting. i had to use an old jar and a letter from ashley to prop open and stabilize the window. the rain smelled so good... remindes me of stuff long forgotten. the letter was all smeared this morning. but thats ok, because so is my relationship with ashley.

i miss the islands...

i still need a vacation.

my cousin and her boyfriend had to leave today... we didn't do much, they waited around until the last moment before they left... i really don't get that... they called in sick to work and made a big fuss over things just to stay a few hours longer. and they stayed but did absolutely nothing. and they weren't even hung over... either that or they are good actors. either way, i got to smirk last night, i still am.

i played with the puppy a lot of the day. i swear he looks like a baby polar bear. his shape, color, everything. he's a doll. i took pictures.... i fixed my hair too and used a load of hairspray. it's so 60's looking, i love it. i usually hate my hair... maybe it actually has something going for it now?? hurm.... i had to run errands for my mom today. then i had french fries, a coke and vanilla ice cream for lunch. yummm..... this hairdo remindes me of vicki... i miss vicki.

hairspray makes my head itch too...

how the hell does vicki do it?

tomorrow mom and i are going to austin to a bookstore, before we leave town she said we'll stop by and see vicki, i'll take pictures... i miss her, miss her. vicki is an angel. i really think she is. she can be a bitchy angel sometimes... but i think angels can be bitchy too, right?? yep, yep, vicki *is* an angel....

i think i'm going back to austin on wednesday with dawn to buy weird clothes in thrift stores... it'll be fun...

goodnight.

2003-02-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

03/13/01 -- 11:59 p.m.

"it's hard to bullshit the ocean. it's not listening, you know what i mean." --david crosby.

i went shopping today, yes indeed. books. i bought lotsa books... weird books... strung out books... i want a book on 1950's trash glamour... with pictures, it'd have to have pictures... i bought a book called "everything i know i learned on acid", it's purple... very pretty... i think i'll look at it again... it smells new and is full of interesting quotes...

i bought a nice little book on dreams too... because mine are so fucked up lately. and a birthday book too... also a book on sunset murders. i shouldn't read it, it depresses me. i liked the cover though. it's a psychotic cover... eye candy.

i think i want to have andy warhol inspired paintings on my walls when i get my college house... and, and, and shower curtains for window curtains, then of course my lavender walls... i saw that in a magazine. i want gaudiness... i want a black and white tv too... maybe i'll stick rhinestones to it. for the simplicity of it all... and bean bags, i'd have to have that... shag rugs and odd hanging lights, purple couch, yes i must have that. i think i need a nightstand from the 1920's for all my weird books... a marilyn monroe calender. maybe i'll glue things to the walls too... like action figures... broken hearts...

simplistic things...

dawn.

dawn is simple, yet creative and wonderful... when i think of her i think of cherished memories. clear memories. such as, sipping cherry cokes and driving down a windy country road in her old yelow LTD... the hum of the motor, i think of patsy cline on a crackly am radio, singing, laughing, smiling, relishing in the moment... i think of a pastel scarf around her rearview mirror, always there, billowing in the hot texas air... a led zepplin sticker on her bumper... her wild white hair hanging into her brown eyes, a faery laugh... i think of ufo's and just thinking to think... james dean and 50's glamour... red lipstick... blues music, weird foods... 6th street... gypsies, photography, and hair dye.

we are going to town tomorrow... yes indeed. we are on a mission to buy odd clothes. buffalo exchange is a good thing... maybe ice skating... taking in a movie. making memories...

laa ti daa daa...

i saw a girl in a thrift store today with this magnificent magenta hair... black roots... keen. it was neat... grungy and she had piercings. it's a good thing. uniqueness.

"miami beach is where neon goes to die." --lenny bruce.

i'm getting very sleepy.

please be a doll and sign my guestbook, you gorgeous thing you!

goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:51:00.000-06:00

03/15/01 -- 11:29 p.m.

i miss that odd stringy pink chewing gum... the sticky, too-sweet stuff i used to chew as a little kid... the really pink kind that tasted grainy in the mouth until it was chewed up, then it always managed to get hard and lose all of its flavor... it was also impossible to blow bubbles with too... the texture, it just wasn't right... i do miss that though... the simplicity of being a kid and liking gross stuff like that.

like clear pepsi...

i remember clear pepsi, hating it yet convincing myself otherwise. it was cool. it was clear, yet pepsi... when i think of it i oddly think of pepper and this old billboard advertising it that slowly peeled away, each time we drove by it faded more... it was up long after clear pepsi was forgotten. it's gone now, thats all i know... and anyway, it doesn't matter...

i went to town with dawn and collette yesterday, we went to coffee shops and thrift stores and just existed... drifting. we were like gypsies, rain gypsies... rain gypsies in uncomfortable shoes and smeared mascara. dawn existed in black leather and red lipstick, her hair whiter than ever, collette in sandels, the nature one... as for me, droopy hair... my hair was droopy... and my makeup was smeared.

i bought a new skirt though, pretty and old looking... it's too tight and i feel like a hooker in it, collette swears i don't look like one but really i don't care if i do... i'm just me... whatever that means... besides, hookers don't really wear combat boots? well, at least not the ones i've seen...

coffee is a good thing. yes, indeed. i cannot stand the taste, yet it's comforting in its own way, the smell, the warmth, the sound of it brewing... i took random pictures in a coffee shop yesterday.

collette had hot tea. they tried to get me to try it... still, somehow i cannot shake the taste of the last thing dawn made me try... bitter, bitter coffee and i couldn't get the taste to leave my mouth all night. so i refused and they gave up at trying to convince me otherwise. they let me boggle around and take pictures... no one took notice, not even the pale girl with red dreadlocks playing a wooden flute on the front porch, or the young man sketching something on a velvot couch in the corner, or even the hippie girl with unbrushed hair who was busy rolling her own cigarette.

peaceful, it was all very soothing and good for the soul. no one stared or took notice of anything in particular. no judgemental looks, just a small escape from the harsh outside world... i wanted to stay longer... but collette wanted to look at more overpriced used shirts so we left.

we settled in at a booth in another dim coffee shop. blue crushed velvot seats... smokey air mixed with the smell of exotic coffees... i had a pepsi, dawn got soup and collette had cranberry juice. i got an oreo cake and it was fucking heavenly, yet so fucking sinful... dangerously wonderful.

and i don't regret it.

i'm tired now... i think i'll go to bed now. night.

2003-02-16T01:46:00.000-06:00

03/18/01 -- 3:35 p.m.

"nobody can be exactly like me. sometimes even i have trouble doing it." --tallulah bankhead.

it's a lazy, lazy day... i'm still in my pajamas, i won't change, i won't. this is my last day of freedom before having to go back to the hell i call school. really though, i don't mind it much... just the whole idea of it is what puts me in a bad mood. trapped. it should be optional yet i know why its not.

mom is smoking... i can smell it filtering down the stairs... she's on the phone, consulting vicki... and that is good and all but the smoke is getting to me. i just got out of the shower and i feel all good and clean and all and the smoke is ruining the veil of purity that i feel wrapped in at this moment.

i'm hungry, i should eat... i had a brownie earlier but it was not too filling and i want real food... something fattening that has substance. and a drink... i should get up and go make myself a pepsi. mom is still smoking though and it feels harsh right now... ordinarily it doesn't bother me... maybe i'm just touchy lately.

i'm gonna go get food now, goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:35:00.000-06:00

03/22/01 -- 9:40 p.m.

"pretty is only how well you apply your base." --jayne mansfield

some things are fucked up... i have to go back and work at the cafe for a few weekends... i cannot take this. fuck, fuck, fuck.

fuck noreta (aka vengeance). she'll burn in hell.

i know she will.

2003-02-16T01:32:00.000-06:00

03/24/01 -- 11:36 p.m.

"within ourselves there is a deep place at whose edge we may sit and dream." --lehrman

driving home never ceases to make me sleepy... and driving home tonight was no exception. there were memories, too many memories which were stirred up, for i was traveling the same road at the same time that i had before... only i'd sworn to myself that i'd never do it again, never again. yet i was. i'd given in and now i'm even more of a failure than i started out as.

i was stuck in a place, a bad situation entirely and i did what i had to do, or what i was forced to do. maybe it was not wise... but i think in some sick way maybe it is. i accepted cheryl's invitation to go back to work at the place that hurt my mind and marred my emotions.... once i'd finally wiped them from my thoughts, from my memory they call me back... and i go back... i meekly accept the invitation and return. after what they did to me i went back when they needed me. i keep saying its temporary. it better be. i will make myself make sure it's temporary.

i went back through old ticketbooks today, found the stuff i had jotted down months before when i was trapped in that hell. it brought back memories, most i do not want to remember... the hell is the same but the players, the bosses have put on nice faces...

they are being for fucking nice to me that its surreal and i cannot force myself to believe it. maybe it's best this way, then they cannot as easily stab me in the back. things cannot be this well, they cannot possibly really like me... they just need me. they proved that they do not like me they did that months ago... this poem is a sole reminder of the hell i endured:

:::the vengeance:::

she stands there,

watching me,

like a hawk

on the prowl.

eyeing her prey,

feeding on me,

ripping me.

tearing at my emotions

until i crumble.

my tears please her.

she watches me,

waiting.

waiting for me to fall,

for me to fail.

she does it all again,

it's a cycle,

a spinning cycle of my emotions.

i'm so tired, so give out and upset with myself... and i know it will be this way for a while, this slump. the whole idea of being back depresses me but i smile and try to be cheery but i'm dying by the end of the day. my whole body aches. my mind never stops thinking... crazy shit.

i did try to be happy tonight, i honestly did... i even danced on my way out the door, on my way home... i spun circles on my way out the greasy walkway, down to the parking lot, to my car, away from that dungeon. the hell.

i had a nice talk with frann though on friday, typing about it makes me feel a bit better... i went by her classroom after school, before work. i always have a few minutes to kill and of course i try to spend every second of that with her... it truly feels like she's my only friend these days, after the whole ordeal with qshley. anyway, she was grading something... i came in and she set her pen down, wanting to talk, as usual.

i don't know what brought it up but somehow we ended up talking about a lady who used to teach at the school with her... it ended up bleeding into her taking a trip to vegas with this same teacher... then she changed the topic (as usual) to their visit to a place called the rainforest cafe... then she said she had convinced the lady to go with her to "a chip and dale place," i looked at her confused and she almost did a little blush, "'y know, the mens strip place?" "oh..." i laughed, waiting for her continue... the door opened, a student named lesley walked in and asked for some paper frann was supposed to have graded. ms. a looked at me told me to hang on a second, then she quickly finished the grading and wrote a note to lesley's mom. we all started walking down the hall, i was a bit miffed that lesley was with us because i knew frann wouldn't finish her story with lesley there.

suddenly we were talking about $3 massages (thanks to lesley) and she had obviously totally forgotten her train of thought on the strip thing. lesley took off the other direction and and said "ok, finish your story." frann blinked, "where was i?" i laughed, "you were in vegas."

i kept glancing at the clock, i was already late to work but it was ok, i could make up an excuse for being late. she told me about how she'd only been to one other strip bar, it was a few years back when her and a few other teachers went to a local bar and saw it. she was laughing as she recalled it to me. i listened and laughed right along with her...

we were just standing there at the end of the hall, my books in my hand, her arms full of paper work. laughing... a tap stopped us, a lady in the office was tapping on the glass, holding up the phone and mouthing "you have a phone call" to frann. i told her she better go but she was intent on finishing her story... so she did... she kept telling it even with just her head poking out the office door. we said our goodbyes and i grinned as i rushed out to my car... that lady cracks me up.

i have more to type about but i'll make note of it for another time. i'm much to tired now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:07:00.000-06:00

03/25/01 -- 6:12 p.m.

The two lights over the front steps were haloed with a hazy nimbus of mist, and strange insects fluttered up against the screen, fragile, wing-thin and blinded, dazed, numbed by the brilliance."

--the journals of sylvia plath 1950-1962

the academy awards are on... i have to go.

today is dawn and collette's birthday.

2003-02-16T01:04:00.000-06:00

03/27/01 -- 9:06 p.m.

i cannot think today... i'm sick. fever, sinuses... sore throat... i cannot breathe... my nose is clogged, my eyes water, they sting... i'm just fucked over tonight. i do not make sense, it means a lot to make sense tonight... i need to tonight because so much happened that i'm boggling around tonight. just thinking, trying to ponder up a good way to present things.

i cannot be poetic either. i can only sit here and sniff with my sinuses, bitch about how i feel and think about the day.

it started out so bad. i felt so sick all through chemistry, my stomach kept cramping up. i don't know what from either... it was intense. maybe something i ate... i felt like reeling over and holding my stomach and crying. i finally had to go to the nurse... it was a bitch, she couldn't give me medicine because no one signed for permission. i had no one to call either cause mom was having her hair highlighted in austin... i went back to class, felt like dying... it got better, finally.

economics was a bitch too, we checked our stocks mostly... i like it better than government if thats even possible... i dunno why. both are fucked.

god i'm miserable.

my stomach is still acting weird.

it rained all day...

ugly, unforgiving weather... i'm gonna go lay down now...

2003-02-16T01:01:00.000-06:00

03/29/01 -- 8:34 p.m.

"...and as for you, dear, you will go on sighing for the moon; and when you find the moon is unattainable, you will not dream of seeking solace in more earthly lights..." --pauline lister, from the rosary.

"for love is eternal; and the birth of love frees the spirit from all limitations of the flesh."

2003-02-16T00:55:00.000-06:00

03/31/01 -- 3:23 p.m.

"the moon is a monk who gazes enviously at the earth, or a cat who walks on a rug of stars." --friedrich nietzsche

goddamn it, my cousin keeps coming in and out and slamming the door... she's too old to do this... i think she's just pissy because i won't come outside and socialize... i would if i didn't know that i have to be at work in less than 45 minutes. hell, it's much more fun to know you have the entire evening to just lay around and have fun... i have shit to accomplish in these less than 45 minutes and i intend to.

perhaps its wrong of me to be inside on the computer when it's my aunts 50th birthday and people are all outside... people i don't see much. but honestly, i've been out there, smiled, chatted... i don't know half of them anyway. they are all either over 50 or under 5... and i'm not good with kids, especially really young annoying ones with no manners who run around in circles shooting water guns at anyone within a 18 mile radius... ugggh!

i'm really not in a bad mood, i'm just feeling incredibly rushed. and i know i'm fixing to have to go get ready for work... and i fucking hate that job... dawn might come over tonight but by the end of my working i'll be so exhausted.... bah!

our toilets are screwed, both of them... seems our septic system is saturated. so all of our 30something guests have to go next door to use my grandma's toilet. i guess thats good for me because that keeps random people from coming in and out and disturbing me (except my cousin)... except now i have to go to the bathroom.

fucking hell....

well, sorry i'm so pissy today, i'm not really pissy... just in a mood i suppose...

taa taa...

2003-02-16T00:52:00.000-06:00

04/02/01 -- 1:24 p.m.

i want another ferret... i never realized how bad i want another one until yesterday. dawn and i went to town after i got off work, we went by a petstore and they had these baby ferrets and we held them and they were so so cute and now i miss bookie more than ever. i miss his cute little racoon face, the way he bounced around, and those cute little frustrated sighs he used to do. god, i miss him.

these little guys were so small and cute... the one i held was kinda mean, he nipped but i didn't mind, i just kept holding him and smelling that little familiar ferret smell. i was so tempted to just toss over $119 and just get him. i know thought my ass would be grass if i did. mom says no more animals until i move out. so i've now come to the conclusion that i shall get two baby ferrets when i move to austin. i will litter train them and they will run around the house like kitties and sleep curled up beside me at night. yes, indeed.

i bought some new lotion yesterday too, i've been wanting new lotion, it's from bath and body works... smells very good... i'm in school now. i think i'll go... more tonight, hopefully...

laterz.

2003-02-16T00:26:00.000-06:00

04/03/01 -- 1:26 p.m.

hummmmm.... online psychic stuff is weird... divination is odd too, espesh being online and all... but weird is good, i'm not knocking it. i also have no right to doubt it, i mean i just finished with this nifty little palm reading thingie online, it was interesting and all but mostly i'm just quite proud of myself, i've never been able to locate any of the little lines on my hands. yah, they are there but i never knew which one meant what. well, now i do and it's not so hard. and actually the results surprised me... hummmm...

You have a good imagination, and often exhibit sensitivity to others.

There is a tremendous amount of intensity in your mental processes. Your ability to concentrate is excellent. At times you have the ability to focus your mind so strongly that the rest of the world is shut out.

Sometimes you feel jealous, and must avoid becoming overly possessive in your relationships.

There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.

You are likely to make decisions based on intuition or feelings rather than intellect.

Your personality is dynamic and attractive to most people. The more branches you find in your heart line, the more friends and lovers you will have. Your sincerity and compassion make people like you even more.

There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.

Your high energy level draws people to you.

You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.

You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.

A major illness or setback is predicted near mid-life. However, you can expect a speedy recovery.

No matter what other factors influence your personality, there is an under lying sense of practicality that you can draw on if you wish.

hummmm... thats very true and all... a lot of it is, except the concentration factor got me... i'm not good at concentrating. i'm horrible at it in fact, i think there is just too much going on in my mind for me to narrow in on anything in particular. even my friends can tell you sometimes (well, most of the time) it's hard to talk to me... i almost talk in riddles, because my mind is always going, that i get distracted, i pause a lot, lose my place... i must be hard to talk to...

i think i'm tired of typing now... school is almost out. i don't feel poetic. i feel just blah right now, not unhappy or anything. there is a bit of apprehension. but there always is with me. anxiety... ugggh. i must quit thinking.

toodles...

2003-02-16T00:17:00.000-06:00

04/04/01 -- 8:38 p.m.

"god looks after fools, drunks and the united states" --jim fitzgerald

i have a date for prom... well, not a date, date, but none-the-less someone is going with me, i am not going alone. hooty hoo, who knew?! and, it is someone that i'm very pleased about since she's one of my very oldest and very dear friends. i just got off the phone with her, invited her. she is coming... i am pleased. a bit nervous though because she's prone to do stupid things and there is no telling that she might do or what she might wear... oh foo, i don't really care though because i'm almost finished here, and really, high school is only a portion of this life...

yes, it's jessie.

she had just had a fight with the loser boyfriend (that i still cannot stand). yes, the rich little freak who snorts no telling what all and drives a bmw... her mom still doesn't know she's dating him, and she still wants to work in a mental institution for the sheer thrill of the idea. she still lives marilyn manson and she still does drugs and she still dresses slutty... but she is jessie and she's growing and learning and i just hope to god she doesn't fuck things up too bad. she probably will though, and in that case i hope she gets through it ok and learns something out of it all.

she's going to illinois tomorrow. she told me because her grandpa is dying, please note she said this with a total lack of emotion. i told her it was ok to be pissy and that she could take it out on me. she straightened out after that because she knows how straightforward i am and that i really meant it.

her boyfriend hit her at the lake today and she hit him back and he made her walk home... and she cussed him out and she's mad now... he called crying and she told him to fuck off, then admitted to me that it's a cycle... that it will happen again. i know it will but she's fucking hard headed, even worse than me... she will let it happen again. he's not her knight in shining armor, she knows this but she tells me "i gave him something special" and grins insanely then goes back to him, over and over.

ann (her mom) was stoned, i could hear her in the background. jessie told her she needed to get a dress, ann muttered she'd get her one. i sighed. how like ann... how fucking predictable... ann with her orange and brown hair, unmatching tennis shoes, and cigarette burns... blah!

i need to go do my homework now...

goodnight.

2003-02-16T00:10:00.000-06:00

04/05/01 -- 6:12 p.m.

i've been really concerned lately about the whole situation with ashley... so i went first thing this morning to frann's classroom to talk about it. i had to wait by her door for a few minutes until she arrived... she greeted me in a rush of exuberance... her keys jangling "good morning, good morning, good morning!" she blurted out with a big smile. i held her coffee cup while she struggled with unlocking her door, before we were even in the room i blurted it out:

"i did something really stupid," i said, she scurried over to her desk, then looked up, confusion flushing on her cheeks.

"why? what happened?"

"i tried to talk to ashley" i frown, thinking about the fight we had a month ago that i've been avoiding all this time.

she frowns too. "well, thats good right?"

"no" i say, "she's pretty mad."

she frowns more.

i told her a few of the things that were said, she continued to frown, then she looked at me and said "well, i'm glad you did, i think you did the right thing."

i smiled. she always manages to make me feel better. i went to chemistry no longer feeling so guilty about the ashley situation.

school went fairly smoothly... we had pizza in advisory and those cheap sugary cokes that just make me thirstier... the pizza was that new kind from pizza hut, the twist kind... the crust is a twist garlic stick... hurmm... well anyhoo, i usually hate garlic sticks but these were real scrummy dipped in marinarra sauce. yum! i'm making myself hungry, i must stop...

well, 3rd period rolled around and natty came walking up to me (she's a foreign exchange student from thailand) she handed me my computer disk for computer class along with a note. i knew the note would be from ashley... and i was right.

okay, in explanation, i did something stupid yesterday, i decided that after a month of my silence that i'd instant message her... i knew she was the one who wanted to know what the problem was and she was the one thats been dying and going to the end of the world to get me to talk to her again... but i don't want that. i don't want broken bridges either. i told her that. i told her i just wanted to be acquaintances, i don't want any hard feelings... etc. i really thought that she'd understand and that when we parted that everything would be cleared and i could quit being bothered about it. well of course she immediately started questioning me and making me feel bad... so i ended it and instantly regretted having even sent her a message, i told her that too. it my attempt to clear shit up was royally screwed over and she took that opportunity to be a bitch. it was her opportunity to vent. it was embedded in stone.

so fuck her.

i don't need her constant array of shit.

and now, i'm mad again... i was never mad before, i just needed time to think.

where was i?... oh, 3rd period... i got that note. all it was was her going off about what all i did wrong... i read it and was pretty mad. after i calmed i wrote her back. i feel very at peace with what i said. now i feel comfortable walking out of this friendship. i was nice, i was blunt. but i'm nearly positive it's over. afterall, i was the one who had the right to be mad in this situation but she twisted it back around.

this was the last thing she said after giving me an account of everytime i sneezed and did something wrong: (and this is the nice part)

"thanks for trying to talk to me last night.. although it got us nowhere. and thanks for wanting to be friends again, but i dont want to be friends with you. it's been too long, there is no point in trying to save anything. and you know we both want that! i will be around if you ever want me though, although after what i just said you probably dont care."

first of all, i didn't realize that there is a time limit on friendship, and i never attempted to be friends again, i don't really want that... i explained that to her first thing last night. i told her i really have nothing to say, i told her i just didn't want any broken bridges and that i didn't want us to be pissed off at each other for all of eternity. i just wanted a blank slate... not to start over again, but just to wipe out all harsh feelings. i'm not having her put me through that again. but she couldn't accept that, so fuck it. i wrote a nice reply. i'm happy with it. i don't know what she'll think of it, but honestly, at this point, i do not care.

this was my exact response to her:

ashley,

first of all, i appreciate that you took the time to write me about your point of view on the situation that we are in. i respect that very much and it means more than you know. although, i do not ever recall saying that i was right about everything and that you were wrong, but be that as it may... for the record, honestly, i have never felt that way. i never said i was right. i never dwelled on it. i know i cannot change your opinion of me or the situation, but i'm not going to just let this sit stagnant. it was a bad situation (through and through) that i've never been in before and i handled it in the way i saw fit. i'm sorry if you did not agree with that and that you didn't understand why i did what i did. we were both hurt during all of this, but continuing to dwell on it will only cause more pain and frustration. we both need to become better people and get over it and move on with our lives.

yes, in some ways i feel that i did not react in the way i should have, i admit that... i think we both have regrets. if you don't you should re-think the situation in it's entirety.

i know at one point or another we have both said things that we do not mean... i know i have, after all, no one is perfect. saying things in the heat of the moment usually causes only anger and regrets. i apologize for anything wrong that i did, i really do. i hope you can get past that. meddling in the past is no way to live, neither is living in it. or thriving in depression.

i know you've had issues, i've listened to them, i've made attempts to help. maybe i didn't understand it all, or i didn't point you in the direction that you wanted to be pointed, and maybe i didn't say what you wanted to hear... after a while though, it got old. you've always know i've been here, always, but when suggestions always fall on empty ears i think its not worth the hassle or the heartache. putting myself through that time after time slurped every bit of positive energy out of me, it made me lose countless hours of sleep each night. i'm sorry i let you down in that area but i'm just not strong enough anymore. i really wish i was.

you've pretty much made it clear that you no longer want to be friends, and that you don't want to talk to me again. i accept that, you have your reasons. i've had mine but i'm not dwelling on them anymore, i've decided that i'm going to enjoy my last moments here. thank you for being such a shining part of them! we've had a lot of great memories and i will cherish them until the end of time. thank you for that.

i'm sorry that i couldn't live up to your standards of a friend and that it couldn't work out. i will always be there for you though. always know that.

always,

natalie

i took it back to frann after school, i asked her if she could read over it for me and tell me what she thought. we went into her classroom. i sat in a desk and she pulled up a stool next to me. she opened the letter and started to read. i knew she'd be able to tell me what was not clear, being an english teacher and all...

it took her a while to finish it, seemed like eternity... i think she re-read parts, she had to of, she's to quick of a reader to be that slow... she finally stopped, folded it up, and handed it back to me. "that's really good" she said. she then faced me...

we started discussing it. it was a true comfort, her understanding eyes, the soothing words she spoke. she told me she thought i handled it very well and that she thinks i'm doing the adult thing. she told me ashley is very "immature" and she told me she really thinks ashley has an attention problem, like maybe she didn't get enough attention growing up. that she thrives on it and likes to be depressed and get other people involved. i knew her words were genuine, she meant the best, she wasn't out to diss ashley, but she sees it through my eyes, exactly. it was like she had looked into my soul and told me exactly what i thought. and i knew she understood.

we even started talking about ashley's drinking problem, about the time she confessed it to frann. about how she sleeps around, yes, that was brought up too... frann told me she knows how alcohol can make you open and "vunerable" to doing stuff you might regret or not remember the next morning.

a guy came in and interupted our deep conversation. he wanted her to review him for the test tomorrow. she tried to be quick yet thorough with him. and she was, luskily... but still, i was already late for work... i waited though, we always walk down the hall to the office everyday at this time, i leave for work, and she drops stuff off at the office. when he left she told me again she thought i "did the right thing".

on the way down the hall she told me in a whisper that ashley had come up to her a few weeks before and said "that you always give her dirty... oh girl, you cannot tell her i told you this..." i swore that i'd never betray her like that. she smiled, didn't skip a beat, "she said you always gave her dirty looks in the hall". i laughed and explained how i always avoided looking at ashley. after all avoiding her is better than looking at her and shooting dirty looks. she laughed and told me she completely understood that, then she began a story about how guilty she felt about having to do that to an old co-worker... some lady who had home problems and never let up on telling them to her. it got to the point that it was very annoying and frann never knew how to respond to it.

"oh i must have been horrible, just awful... she was always talking about her family problems, like all the time... it got to the point that when i'd see her in the halls, i'd be look 'oh geez, opps! i forgot something!' and whirl around..." she then acted this out in the animated way of hers... she threw her arms up in the air and spun around, nearly running into two senior boys. i grinned and pulled her back around, we continued our walk to the office.

she told me the lady nearly drove her son insane, he became schitzophrenic... she drove him crazy, but he's okay now... he was a very smart boy, "valedictorian..."

the time had come, i was really late. i had to leave for the hell i call work... i hugged her bye, whispered "thank you for listening" and walked off.

i went to work.

they gave me the day off... figures...

2003-02-15T23:46:00.000-06:00

04/06/01 -- 3:26 p.m.

i cannot breathe.

i cannot think.

my heart is racing.

my vision is blurred.

my heart aches,

it pounds.

i can hear it...

it's so loud...

i'm worried.

this whole day has been fucked, it cannot be real. i'm drifting and wanting to cry, yet i smile despite the aching and i try to act happy... but there is this nearly intolerable pain, this gut feeling... so dazed. so worried, so concerned... fuck this, i cannot take it anymore.

2003-02-15T23:44:00.000-06:00

04/07/01 -- 4:37 p.m.

"if you go expressly to look at the moon, it becomes tinsel." --ralph waldo emerson

i just chewed off all my fake nails, i kept them on all week, thats nearly a record for me. they were this great color, dark blue but they appeared greenish under certain lights. i had put the nails on, very cheaply and they served their purpose. maybe i'll put more on tomorrow... but i do need a new color...

i started thinking this morning about boys and my trust factor with them. i do not trust them. somehow i don't think i ever will either. i cannot even vaugly see myself wrapped contently in some guys arms. no ones. i cannot see ever trusting one, resting my head on his shoulder. because i've been burned so much that the idea of that is too far out of reach. i've seen it too much, i've been through it and i don't think i'll ever be a part of it.

but i do live in a dream world.

i see myself marrying down the line not out of love, or even lust. but i see myself doing it so i apprear to have a normal life. thats it. but honestly, i don't give a shit because i'm still living in the moment and only partially in the past.

i'm alone today. mom went shopping with my gran and my step dad went somewhere, hunting i think, but i really don't rememeber. i got up late and was in the shower when mom shouted bye. she called later and i asked her to bring me home a piece of oreo cake from austin java. i need that, i have been craving it all week and i'd like to spare a half a tank of gas driving there... she said she might if it's convienent. and i roll my eyes right now thinking about what convienent must mean to her.

i've spent the morning online, not really accomplishing much, just kinda dazed and thinking... this is enough for now.

2003-02-15T23:40:00.000-06:00

04/09/01 -- 10:10 p.m.

mom picked me up from school at 11:00 today, we went to austin to find me a prom dress... looking was hell, my self-esteen always drops when i try on shit. as a matter of fact, i look like shit in everything. we finally found a gold and black dress, it's poofy and pretty and has green in it too, its hard to explain. i got new 40's inspired shoes and some new jewelrey.

we ate at austin java and i'm trying real hard to make myself like coffee. mom and i split a pizza, then we split a reeces cake but it was real dry and mom bitched about it.

i'm so tired right now...

i think i'll drag my miserable ass to bed now...

goodnight.

2003-02-15T23:33:00.000-06:00

04/12/01 -- 12:45 p.m.

today ashley waved at me, it was awkward and all but i swore to myself that i'd make myself be nice. that i'd smile and be civil. that i wouldn't let her get to me... i didn't. she smiled, i smiled, she did a slight wave, and i did too. and still i feel nothing about it...

i had great plans for tonight but my mom spoiled them and i was okay with that i guess since i'm in a dazed type mood anyway. happy, thoughtful... yet always so fucking miserable...

i put on my pink wig today and an old bandana... lots of black eyeliner and glossy pink lipstick. i bought a cherry limeaide at sonic and the girl that waited on us told me so loved my hair. i smiled and tipped her $1 on a $1.18 drink. i feel nice.

juls came with me, she giggled and she rented a shitty movie that i've seen before... i put in valley of the dolls and she was quite bored. i do so love that movie though... she can just not like it. shes boring a lot anyhoo... we are so different but i praise that because i'm so fucked up that it's good she's different.

2003-02-15T23:30:00.000-06:00

04/14/01 -- 11:55 a.m.

"i hate the sun, but it's nice to know it's there." --johnny rotten

i'm hungry.

i've been saying that a lot lately but i always get too distracted with other things. neglecting the wretched pains in my stomach. so i sit here, close to shaking from hunger, and keep typing. tap, tap, tap...

i'm so fucked up lately.

i cannot make myself get up off the internet and i know my moms about to blow from anger of seeing me on here. plus, i'm on *her* computer... mines too damn slow. but she has not thrown a big fit about it yet, maybe i am overusing the privlege but i *need* on here... i have shit to do. i keeps me sane i suppose...

i have to go to work in 4 hours. it's amazing how i dread it and count down the hours. it cannot possibly be that bad and i should make a lot of money tonight. it's just trying to stay sane in those hours before closing. it's doing my head in, i'm working too much but the cash does pay off because i don't have to dread car payments. i can go grab a burger and know i will not suffer for it all week. i maybe can buy another mannequin head and some more wigs... the possibilities are endless...

no, really. i have to *save* it. i have to be responsible.

tsk, tsk... tsk...

i've been working on filling out my graduation invitations for the better half of the morning. moms so afraid i'll put it off until the last minute that she's making me do it 2 months beforehand. shes such a typical virgo.... organization... bleh.

anyway i'm going to go now.

2003-02-15T23:21:00.000-06:00

04/16/01 -- 10:07 p.m.

“the hardest thing to do is watch someone you love, love someone else.”

i had to change clothes, i had to get comfortable... i haven’t been feeling good today and it

seems everything is getting on my nerves... everything. i don’t even know why. i cannot seem to shake it, this feeling, this anger in my heart today. i feel like my head just might explode... it’s my mom mainly. it seems everything she says to me pisses me off. aggrivates me with such a fiery intensity. the sound of her voice is making me cringe, i bite my lips to keep from snapping at her, i try to block her voice out. sometimes i want to choke her, yet i don’t know what i’d do without her. i suppose it’s a love/hate relationship. but thinking about her right now makes me clench up my fists.

things have been rocky with her and i lately... we are both mad at each other. and we both cannot have a simple conversation without going off on each other. she doesn’t understand me and i’m tired as fuck of her constant bitching and the shit she dishes out to me on a daily basis. i think for her the feeling is mutual. i don’t care though. i never wanted to move out as bad as i do now... i cannot stand to be in her presence. it’s never been this way before.

i cannot do anything. she keeps me in a fucking box.

take yesterday for instance... i worked all day yesterday in the smelly old cafe while she was with our entire family for a nice little celebration. this didn’t bother me as much as it would usually. i’ve accepted the fact that in order to keep certain things i love i must make some sacrifices. in this instance, working. i don’t like it. in fact, i hate it with a fucking passion. but i must. so i hold down two jobs and work my ass off 7 days a week.

when i got home i was tired. but it was easter and i wanted to do something memorable. i called dawn, who is my best friend right now, and asked her if she wanted to go do something tonight. i told her i didn’t care what it was, but i needed to get out of the house. of course dawn was up for it in her usual gypsy-like manor. she told me a band was playing in a little town called “gruene” and that she’d ask her sister, collette, and colette’s boyfriend if they felt like going. she said i’d love the place and that we’d have fun.

i kind of wanted to go to the bohemian coffeeshops in austin... but figured they were most likely closed with it being easter and all. i told dawn to call me back once she was able to talk to collette.

meanwhile i took a shower... also meanwhile my mom came home from the get-together... i was putting on makeup and told me that i might be going to see a band with dawn, doug and collette. she began questioning me in her usual way, when will i be home? who all is going? how far is the place? who’s car are we taking? i told her i was not even sure if we were going but that i’d definately let her know. she kinda nodded and then her and my step-dad went out on the boat...

i ended up calling dawn back a few minutes later and she told me that doug had just gotten off work and didn’t want to go anywhere. i asked her to meet me in town by the library and that we’d discuss what we wanted to do.

she did. and she was only a few minutes late, which surprised me since she’s so often late for everything... she smiled from her car and for an instant she looked like sharon tate. her hair had gotten so long, long and white... with just a hint of black roots. her chisled tanned face. such a beautiful girl, i would do anything to look like her. she's so graceful, so free.

she jogged up to my car and climbed in. we sat there in my car... the top down, the sun out. thinking, pondering.

“whatdaya wanna do?” i asked.

she giggled then shrugged, “whatever you wanna do”.

we decided to go to the dancehall. i’d never been and knew thats what she really wanted to do. we also didn’t want to drive all the way to austin only to find everything closed... i called my mom and left a message on the recorder saying that dawn and i were going to gruene. i hung up the phone, we started on our journey around 7:30 pm.

i mainly wanted to feel the sun and wind on my face, to get out and away... dawn put in a nick drake cd... the beautiful tunes intermingled with the sound of the wind and the hum of the motor. we were quiet for a while, then we were talking, dawn and i get into such deep conversations so often. i told her about how i want to go to california this summer... august 9th in memory of sharon. to spend time on the beach and roam around the bright lights of hollywood. just for a few days... her eyes shone.

dawn is such a gypsy and she awed at the whole idea. i knew she’d want to go, because she’s always up for anything spelling adventure. i invited her and she was all for it. dawn, the only person who actually supports my dreams and backs me up. my true best friend. we did a lot of planning on that long drive, i told her about sharon, and her life... and her death. she listened attentively, quietly, thinking. she’s like me, she thinks too much. her white blonde hair was whipping in the breeze, she squented in the sunlight. i pressed harder on the gas.

dawn wanted to get to gruene before dark, and we did. as we neared the final turn we came to a train track... the lights were flashing, we could hear a train in the distance, blowing it’s horn. coming our way. dawn was laughing with excitement. i came to a full stop only a few feet away from the track. we watched as it got closer and closer... honking so loudly... it began to pass us. we looked in the front and the young engineer with a cowboy hat on was hanging out the window waving at us. we waved excitedly back and the train continued to steam by. i took out my camera and we climbed up on my convertible and took pictures, laughing the entire time. dawn asked me if i could imagine what it would be like to kill youself by laying on a train track, i thought about it a little while as it went on by in that whirlwind and we sat back down and continued along.

gruene was just like the picture dawn had so vividly painted in my head.... a small quaint town, a creek rushing through it, the amazing purple and orange sunset hiding behind thick trees. we parked and tried in vain to comb the tangles from our hair. we finally shrugged it off and started toward the dance hall. we went inside, it was dark, neon lights, smoke. the band was taking a break so we went back outside. the town was so old fashioned, old mansions, brick sidewalks... the whole small town atmosphere.

there was a general store. it was cool in there and smelled really good. we sat on a barstool and ordered old fashioned cokes... then we wandered around. i bought some cookies, a jimmy buffett cassette tape and a stuffed kitty cat beanie baby. it was like we had stepped back in time.

we went back to the dancehall, the band has resumed playing... they were hard to classify... rock/reggae/jazzish... but they were good and we sat on an old bench and watched them... it wasn’t really crowded, there were a few people dancing and there was such a light air to the whole place, happiness...

when the band quit playing we went outside. i called my mom to let her know we were starting home...

she sounded mad, short and snippy. she began questioning me, telling me she thought i was going with a group and how dare i go with only one person and in my tiny car?? what if i hit a deer? what if i broke down?

i hung up after making a lame attempt to calm her down... i brushed it off so dawn wouldn’t worry and we got back in my car. by now it was dark, the stars were out and it was a lovely night. i put in my new cassette tape and the islandy music poured out. we started home... it was a long drive, we didn’t talk much...

i did tell her how she’s the only person that completely understands me. we talked about

“emotionally vain” people... and about thinking too much. and more about the california trip. we planned details, talked about what all we’d do and where we could stay... we considered gas mileage and how we’d save the money.

we went to wal-mart, i bought notebook paper, hairspray and fake eyelashes.

i dropped her off at her car, told her i’d call her next week.

i went home. mom was awake watching a movie. i went up there to let her know i was home, dreading what all she’d have to say... first off she told me the shirt i was wearing was too thin and that my eyemakeup made me look like “a whore”. she said she was really mad i went in my car to a dancehall with only dawn. she made it out as if it was a bad place to be... and it wasn’t at all. i couldn’t explain. all we did was argue. she told me i was not going to california in my car, not unless i got it under my name... that was a big mess, she put down my every idea... and it was left dangling, nothing was resolved just bad shit was brought up.

i started to feel queasy. i went to bed. i couldn’t sleep all night because i felt like any moment i was going to be sick. uneasy sleep finally came...

she woke me up this morning... she tried to bring it all back up but it ended in an argument again. we pretty much ended up just saying hateful things and both feeling emotionally shattered.

nothing is how it used to be. she’s barley talking to me... i kinda like it this way, at least for now...

i still feel sick.

"nobody is perfect, until you fall in love with them."

2003-02-15T23:11:00.000-06:00

04/21/01 -- 12:57 p.m.

my mother says i am attracted to disfunctional people. not just as of in love, but in general. generally speaking, as of even friends, my acquaintances... etc... she says i am drawn to them to try and help them, to try to change them. to try those who cannot (or will not) be changed. she says i shouldn't do this because i'll only become let down and it will blot out all my positive energy.

i sit here in silence pondering that exact statement because i wonder if it is true... and if so, why it's true... isn't it easier to be drawn to normal, happy people? isn't it easier to want to have the drive to be happy, rather than to be depressed?

-----

it's saturday. it's so pretty outside. i'm not suppost to be here... i'm suppost to be at a seminar with my mom... a seminar hosted by a psychic that we are friends with. i forget the theme of this seminar but the last one was on angels... they are interesting and all but last too bloody long... i wanted to go, i did... but i knew i had to work today and for that reason i was dreading being tied down, in an uncomfortable chair all day until it was time to go to work. so, i didn't get out of bed this morning... mom came in, dressed in her heels, ready to go. i was in bed.

"so you're not going?" her voice rang out.

i didn't open my eyes, "no."

"ok well..." she said sarcastically, "make sure you don't get on my computer, you finish filling out your graduation invitations, you vaccum, and you clean your room."

"okay." i rolled over, shut off my alarm, and intended to only sleep until around 9:00... that way i'd have time to get the stuff tended to and not feel like i'm going directly to work.

it didn't happen that way, i finally rolled out of bed around 12:30, took a shower and searched in vain for a trace of food in this house. i came up with nothing... so not i'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not to call in a to-go order to scavenge some more... why the fuck can my mom not buy enough food? i mean we *have* food but it's all stuff that requires cooking and i'm not going to be *cooking* this morning (errrr... afternoon)....

-----

prom is next weekend, i need to call jessie and make sure she found a dress... i need to also hope she didn't get a slutty dress because it's a school function and all... and she's kinda my guest. we are not taking a limo, the lady who was going to loan us hers is having to use it for a wedding or something... we decided to take my miata, just jessie and i but i got a phone call. a tear-infested phone call from my friend cara. melissa supposidly dissed her at the last minute and she had no one to go with... could she maybe ride with us?... i explained the car dilemma (i.e. having only 2 seats in my miata, and 3 people wanting to go...) so we are now taking cara's convertible, which, thankfully actually has a backseat. i'm having to keep in mind that cara's never driven in town, is a terrible driver, and has the attention span of a fly... but no one drives cara's car but cara, so cara has it all in her hands... heh, i'll just sit back in my poofy dress and try to enjoy the ride...

i think i'll go find something to eat now...

maybe the 60's mannequin head i ordered will arrive today... the one i ordered to hold my pink wig.... hurmmmmm....

2003-02-15T23:07:00.000-06:00

04/22/01 -- 6:24 p.m.

i hate feeling ugly. i hate doing anything when i feel so completely unpretty... i cannot stand having on no makeup, wearing clothes that i'm not completely comfortable in... i hate knowing i look like shit, therefore, feeling like shit. for me, it's okay to sit around the house when i feel unpretty, to just momentarily shut myself away from the world, shut myself out... but when i have to present myself that way, in a frumpy, unattached way... well, it's just a horrible feeling and i hate having to do that.

i'm not vain as i sound, really, i'm not. i'm too lazy to be vain. i'm not a primpy person either, but i like to have to together... i have low self-esteem, but it's even lower when i'm not hiding behind a mask of makeup, or when little things are not right. little things annoy me about myself... for instance, if my hair is not right, if my bangs do weird things, if my clothes do not fit right... it intensifies until i want to just scream.

today was one of those days that i'd like to just wipe away forever.

-----

i worked today. it's always work, work, work... usually i don't bitch too much about it but tips were really bad today and i *hate* waiting tables at lunchtime. i *dread* it. last night was wonderful though, that made up for it... i don't work next weekend, prom. it's nice having a weekend off... prom is overrated though... i'll be glad when it's over and i can move on with my life.

-----

i cannot concentrate today, i think i'll just stop and go pluck my eyebrowls or something... they are annoying me... everything is annoying me right now...

i'm such a fucking bitch.

2003-02-15T20:13:00.000-06:00

04/25/01 -- 9:47 p.m.

i did it! i was inducted into the international thespian society... remember all that hard work? the tears, the frustrations of being in theatre?... the memories i smile upon, even the memories i agonize over?... well this is my pay off.... the thing i worked so hard for... i am now a thespian!

it doesn't feel like i thought it would though... there were no fireworks... at one time it was so important to me, but now, it just seems like another speed bump in my path to growing up. i reached my goal but sadly by now the novelty had worn off it... but i am still happy... i am a thespian.

kida got caught cheating in frann's class yesterday. she told me about it today, she lowered her voice and began to tell me all about it... a girl had come to her after school the day before and told on a few select people who were cheating... she said she was tired of working so hard studying to pass, and seeing goof off's pass on account of cheating. frann was *very* upset, "and most of them were kids i never dreamed would do a thing like that!" she said that hurt the most. ..."i was in tears after school yesterday...", my face must have matched her in frustration with those kids. it was worrying her, she kept bringing it back up. i hate it when she's upset. sometimes i feel she's my only friend these days.

as she was telling me this we were walking down the hall, we were nearly to the office when a voice called her name... we both turned, half startled. davy, a buff jock came staggering up... "hey ms. a... i was thinking... have you seen that movie 'lady and the tramp'? well, uh, you know the dog in it named peg?" frann look confused, "well i just remembered, you remind me of her..." she laughed... we turned.... i kept giggling because I *did* see where he got that... i asked if she knew what dog peg was, she shook her head with an amused smile on her lips.

"she's the fluffy one!" i said.

"oh lordy!" she laughed.

she decided to re-arrange her classroom, and she did, all the desks, everything, she put a poster on the board, it said all bags had to be put by the front door. she was not accepting cheating.

"if they want to act like babies, i'll treat them like babies."

she told me she needed to wear all black all week and wear black lipstick and decorate the room up in black and white pin stripes, like a cell. we both laughed.

i need to go now, to much to think about...

night...

2003-02-15T20:05:00.000-06:00

04/26/01 -- 10:08 p.m.

i cannot believe it's so late... i musn't take naps anymore... they throw me off on time. it's so hard to wake up too, and i feel so drained, not relaxed afterwards... i should never lay down because i know i cannot help but fall asleep... ugggh!

-----

janet jackson is cool, i just decided that... i just watched a show on her and i've decided i like that whispery voice very muchly... she was interviewed on our local radio station the other day too. she's very down to earth which is something i never expected out of her.

-----

i had my nails done today after school because i didn't work... they are pretty and french manicure... i go and pick up jessie tomorrow, gee, i miss that girl. i'm getting excited/nervous about prom, too. i'm not thinking in clear terms tonight...

goodnight.

2003-02-15T20:02:00.000-06:00

05/02/01 -- 9:31 p.m.

i cannot believe it's already may... god, i graduate this month... i find myself sitting here completely dazed... unable to decide if i like the prospect or not... i don't think i do. i'm unprepared. unsettled. i'm having second thoughts... i don't think i can handle it. no school is a good thing, i guess, i just wish i could just freeze time, just for a moment and relish in it... make everything right and have no fears... but i cannot. i wish i could just sleep it off and wake up refreshed...

-----

yesterday frann caught me off guard, "i guess you heard about yesterday?... didn't you?" her eyes flashed and she carefully shut her closet door, turning back to me.

i blinked, shook my head, "no."

she let out a sigh, "you didn't hear what sarah did?"

i shook my head again, "no, what?"

she was noticeably strained... it showed in the creases on her face... around her eyes, she looked tired, almost frustrated, but she smiled anyway, making an attempt to look cheerful. then she said she was cold and fiddled with the thermostat. finally she wandered back to her desk and i followed her. her voice was lowered, she didn't want anyone else to hear. i stood close by, she sat down.

she began the story... sarah was being a trouble maker again... she said she had tried to avoid sending her to the office at all costs, but she kept on and it was distracting the class. she was becoming a real problem. she said yesterday she heard sarah say something, she muttered it and i couldn't pick up on it... but it was obviously bad... she said that she told sarah to never use that language in the classroom, she warned her... she was on thin ice, she had been for a while...

sarah giggled, obviously trying to impress her friends... frann raised her voice again, "sarah, do you want to go to the office?" she asked. sarah stood up, fuming. she sreamed out at ms. a "i don't care if you send me to the office, do it! send me!!!"

frann sighed as she re-told this to me... "so i started writing out a referral" i could tell by her voice that she didn't want to. then she looked up and continued with her story...

she said sarah was so mad, she stood up and threw her pen as hard and as far as she could... then she screamed as loud as possible, "i HATE this fucking class!!!!!!!!" then she stormed to the door, she flung it open as hard as possible and used both hands to slam it shut behind her "with all her might". she said once sarah left the room was silent, no one uttered a sound.

"i continued to write the referral" she sighed again, her eyes looking so tired. i knew what all of this was doing to her... she said by the time she got to the office sarah had already turned herself in, she told the vice principal everything. mr. k (our vp) came to talk to frann in the hall... he told her she had every right to file a suit against sarah for how she acted... frann just shook her head, "no i don't want to do that." he had frowned and said, "yeah, thats what sarah said you'd say..."

the whole situation is terrible, considering how close vicki (sarah's mom) is/was with frann... sarah had told mr. k "she won't file suit, she won't she too good of friends with my mom" sarah is milking their friendship for everything that its worth.

this has been pissing me off all day... sarah is suspended now and i don't want to talk about it anymore.

goodbye.

2003-02-15T19:56:00.000-06:00

05/06/01 -- 12:00 a.m.

my feet ache.

i worked all night in some really uncomfortable shoes... it rained last night, thundered all night... hailed some. i got off work late. i had parked in a ditch... there was water in it and it was dark, i was rushing and stepping in puddles was just unavoidable. my shoes got wet. they were still wet when i got ready to leave for work today. i had to put on my nine-wests, the ones that i like so much but are too small... i worked in them all night, i didn't complain... my feet hurt now. i drove home barefoot. i stepped on a snail on my way into the house... that was a gross sensation.

-----

there is a big fat fly flying around in here, he's fucking annoying me!!! i cannot kill him because he won't sit still. i think i'm going to scream!!!!!

-----

i got a new vinyl top installed on my car on monday. i'm happy now. it doesn't leak and looks nice. i'm paranoid of scratching it now, the back wondow... but it's better than it caving in on the back... and better than having water pour onto my lap.

i'm thirsty.

-----

i'm better now. i went and got a pepsi upstairs, i'm flipping through a magazine now, and the fly quit bugging me... i'm tired now...

goodnight.

2003-02-15T19:53:00.000-06:00

05/13/01 -- 2:52 p.m.

it's sunday again.

mothers day.

i just got off work and it's raining.

its not raining hard... just one of those unexpected little showers where the rain cascades down and the sun filters through it. my head it wet, and my shoulders are too, i had the top down on my car on my way home from work and it caught me unexpectedly. cars drove by and looked at me as if i were crazy but i kept driving with a smile on my face. in all honestly, the rain felt great. i've been working all morning...

i think i'll go have a shower soon.

i also must go by wal-mart and find my mom a mothers day gift... and develop film. there is never a moments rest.

i took a whole role of film last night in under 5 minutes... we had a family reunion and by the time i got home from work the kids were asleep and everyone had been drinking for quite sometime. people were acting silly and some were acting downright dumb. my step dad in particular... he's such an ass when he drinks. annoying as hell.

the house smells weird right now and i wish people would go home. i need my sanity back and to get organized for tomorrow.

i need to order some mary kay makeup.

i've decided i need that...

i love you all...

bye.

2003-02-15T19:52:00.000-06:00

05/15/01 -- 9:08 p.m.

"philosophy... is the words on a cereal box, religion... is the smile on a dog..."

tonight is too fucking warped and confusing. i didn't want to cope or to type but i know i have to force myself to sooner or later... so here goes... i appologize in advance.

i'm so down in the dumps lately, honestly i have no good reason to be... no valiable excuse. seems all i do on here is bitch. i guess from the outside everything looks peachy... everyday i put on a happy face and try to act as if my mind is not a big mass apprehension and concern. a confused mind and hurting, aching soul. i try to be excited about graduation, to act the part. i've fooled a lot of people so far... but still, even when i smile, i'm numb inside. i cannot shake this neverending fear that i have of myself and my feelings...

i'm used to it. i'm immune by now i guess. i should be, but god... sometimes its so hard and sometimes i know inside it can and will only get worse.

i'm so fucking confused.

there's just too much going on up there.

goodnight.

2003-02-15T19:49:00.000-06:00

05/31/01 -- 1:16 a.m.

it's really gotten late.

i have not written in weeks and everything feels so hollow... so much has happened. i'm behind again. i cannot even begin to explain the intensity and whirlwind my emotions have been in lately, maybe its best that i didn't write... it would seem so fucked up. its just a mass of good and bad things. my life is a goddamned rollercoaster and i don't think i'm any closer to sorting it out than i was when i began this diary. yet i've come a long way... experienced a lot, learned a lot about myself. and about love and sacrifice... and loyalty, and friends and trust and hope...

the diary went through a change. i wiped out the old blue tones and started fresh with pinks and blacks, such expressive colors. i need to start fresh too... wipe out a lot of the old things. began again so to speak with a clean slate.

though my emotions are still left dangling and unmended... i'm going to try to write again daily now, or at least more... it's good for me. venting and just having a spot to sort everything out.

i'll try to fill in the gaps tomorrow, for now, i'm too tired...

goodnight loves.

2003-02-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

06/01/01 -- 12:18 a.m.

it's late again.

and of course i'm awake and tired and making no sense once again... i just finished a 6 hour online defensive driving course, so needless to say, my brain is quite fried...

mom woke me up this morning and told me i have to have it finished by the end of the day and so i did it. she said she didn't want my ticket hanging over my step dads insurance and stuff, she did the whole guilt trip thing and it worked... i didn't even argue because i've finally realized that its just a waste of my time and energy with her.

moms piss me off. i need to go to bed now...

goodnight.

2003-02-15T19:36:00.000-06:00

06/07/01 -- 10:17 a.m.

the skin on my face has gotten so soft... at first i thought it was just my overactive imagination, but now i'm sure that it's not just that... i've never really been one of those primpy people with a specific beauty plan, one who goes the extra mile to take care and preserve my skin. it just never occured to me that i should be doing that, and i was perfectly fine with that really... a little soap and water to remove the minimal makeup and i was fine. skin care products? no thank you.

ever since i met stacy though my whole perception has changed. she's positive. she's bright. she's smiley. she's like nothing i've ever experienced before... but i like that. and of course, stacy sells mary kay and she wears makeup and she's into skin care and such...

stacy and i swapped a few e mails yesterday, which was settling because i had not talked to her in a while... and of course a part of me wondered if maybe her mother mentioned the letter that i sent. i've been paranoid about that whole situation lately and i think it really was a good thing for me to see frann yesterday and kind of "clear the air". i know where i stand with both of them now and it feels nice for once.

stacy and i mainly touched base, but in my response to her it slipped, i told her all about the letter and my paranoia of sending it. i ended it by asking her if she thinks i did the right thing, knowing frann like she does... this is what her reply late last night said:

I bet that felt good to see her today and to get everything "off your chest" in the letter. I think you did the right thing! It is never healthy to keep things bottled up inside, especially when they cause so much pain! You are very smart.... and you did the right thing! I think after today, you probably felt better, right? I will always be here to listen, whenever you need me!

she's so sweet and that completely relaxed me... and, if frann was mad at me, i don't think she would have invited me to lunch tomorrow, but still, i have this other paranoia that she just might be doing it out of guilt. i'm so selfish lately because i don't care anymore. i'm tired of people letting me down. of all people her she's supposed to be my inspiration, and she knows it, damnit.

anyway, mom went to town to get her nails done and i have the house to myself. dawn called this morning, we were suppost to go to austin early this morning, shopping but she has to work until 1:30 so our plans are just kind of on hold for a few hours. besides all this skin care stuff, and makeup stuff, wheew, takes a while... ;o) so there is no rushing on my part and i think i'll go take a shower soon...

c'est la vie

2003-02-15T19:31:00.000-06:00

06/08/01 -- 2:28 p.m.

i am in a nice little daze... floating around the room, deep in thought. it's raining outside and the sun is peaking out through the clouds. i can hear the wind blowing the windchimes outside, it's a pretty day though...

i just got in from having lunch with frann, yes, the scheduled lunch that i've been both dreading and looking forward to since wednesday.

she pulled up seconds behind me, in her black sports car... i was sitting in my car and she did a quick wave and strode toward me, commenting on how i matched my car. she was wearing denium capri pants. "i guess stacy is going to be late" she said and at that my mouth dropped.

"oh, is stacy coming?"

"yes." she smiled and i felt somewhat relieved of that, stacy, the ice breaker. we went inside and sat on a bench just inside the main entrance... we started talking, about the women's fair, college, and this and that... little things and every so often she'd glance at her watch and make a statement about stacy's latenessthat's just typical.

we decided to go ahead and have a seat and we chose a seat outside on the balcony overlooking the lake. the sun was shining and there was a fan on. several people came up to her, she knows so many people in this town. she'd greet them and hug them and say hi... i never felt out of place though, she introduced me and it was nice.

she handed me a card with clouds on it and my name in black. she said she was going to buy me one of those pull down ironing boards, because it would be good for college, but she said as she thought about it more and more she thought i just might beat her over the head with it, so she settled for money. i don't know why she'd think i'd do a thing like but thats just her way of thinking and its amusing and i laughed.

stacy *finally* wandered up, fashionably late, wearing a chic blue flowered skirt and a gold mary kay pin clipped to her blue sweater, her blonde hair was tostled and she still had that HUGE smile and bubbly voice.

when she finally sat down the sky had just turned gray and rain became pouring down... the wind brought a light mist right into where we were sitting. the waitress took us inside. another lady and her daughter had sat down with us, she used to teach at the high school... they were all discussing principals and how mrs. j got fired... frann said something about it being a "little peyton place". finally the lady left... we all ordered soup and a salad. it was good and the talk was light... we talked mainly about how frann needs a new computer and how outdated her one at home is. then there was talk about mary kay... etc. it was so nice being there with them... two teachers whom i adore more than most anything. my inspirations.

we ended up out in the parking lot, and we hugged and frann told me to come see her up at the high school on monday. i told stacy to have fun in dallas this weekend at her mary kay event, she told me to e mail her.

i feel nice.

2003-02-15T19:23:00.000-06:00

06/11/01 -- 1:43 p.m.

i just got back from the school. it was practically empty... there were a few stragglers left after summer school... a boy i didn't recognize smiled at me on my way in through the front door. the halls were dim, but the office lights were on. i could see the end of the hall was dark... i was just noticing things that i've never noticed before, in an all new light. i'll never attend classes there anymore. it's over. and it's a type of shocking numbness. i don't like it.

i wore all black, i've been doing that a lot lately... my hair was pulled back, which i never do anymore... the school was cold, as always. i went straight for frann's door, down the hall. she said she'd be there.... 12:30, "anytime, really". it was 12:42, but she said "around" and it probably didn't matter to her anyway.

i was staring at the ground as i walked but i glanced up as i neared her door, it opened. two short blondes stepped out and i had to blink before i realized that it was both frann and stacy. i guess they had to blink too before recognizing me with my hair pulled back in the dim light.

i waved, "hi ya'll!"

both of their faces broke into smiles, "oh hey girl!"

stacy was wearing tan, her hair wasn't as fixed as usual but she still looked pretty in her clean cut, girl next door way. i don't remember what frann was in, i usually pay attention but i felt so lifeless that i didn't really notice. i don't even think i really looked at her, or absorbed much of anything. i just remember she was smiling and her hair was still very curly and around her face... and she was weighed down with bags of books. stacy was holding her mary kay folder... thats about it.

frann suddenly said: "OHHHHH! the book! oh i forgot it..." i just smiled, i had expected it because it's so like her to be scatter-brained and forget it.

i turned to walk with them, i asked where they were going and either frann or stacy one said they were going to a mary kay thing. frann said she thought i had cut my hair, since it was back and stacy said "yeah, i thought the same thing."

frann was walking a little bit in front of stacy and i, i asked stacy if she had fun in dallas this past weekend and she grinned and said, "yes!"

i noticed frann was struggling as she walked with the biggest black bag and i took it off her shoulder when she wasn't paying attention. "natalie..." she barley resisted, i tossed the heavy, HEAVY bag on my own shoulder.

her and stacy were rambling about how mrs. p will probably forget to turn off the lights in her classroom... i don't know where that came from but i guess it's normal mother/daughter chatter. frann turned into mrs. p's learning lab and i assumed this is where they planned to do the "thing for mary kay". i set the big bag on one of the desks and frann thanked me.

i remembered then how frann said she needed to be quizzed on the mary kay consultant information. i didn't want to stay, i know they wouldn't have minded, but still. frann sat down and started getting organized and i leaned over to give her a hug, then i turned to stacy and hugged her. stacy asked "so what are ya gonna do?" i knew she was about to invite me to stay but i told her "i'm just going to go home." she frowned, "you drove all the way here for this, and she didn't even bring it?" her face was creased, i could see frann out of the corner of my eyes, oblivious. i nodded, "it's okay, really."

stacy asked, "what was it?" i sighed and frann looked up, "just my senior memory book, its no big deal, i can pick it up tomorrow."

frann frowned, "i just completely forgot, oh natalie, i'm so sorry..."

i assured her that it was okay, and it was, i really don't care "it's not big deal" i told her.

she looked at me "yes it is. it is to me."

stacy was still frowning at her mom. "mom have you been taking your memory pills?"

frann nodded, "yes." she answered.

i laughed, "are you REMEMBERING to take your memory pills?"

frann laughed as stacy said "mom, write yourself a note, please." she looked exasperated. she knows how important her mother is to me, i could read it in her expression.

"that's what i'm doing" she was already up and peeling a yellow post-it note from a pad on mrs. p's desk. she stuck it on the back of her leather keychain, very matter-of-factly and took out a pen.

stacy sighed sarcastically at her mom, "shouldn't you write it on there BEFORE you stick it on there, so you have a flat surface?"

frann wrote "nats book" in black pen, it looked fine. "nope. see?"

stacy just sighed again and winked at me.

frann was sorting through some paper work, stacy told her she wouldn't have so much to grade if she wouldn't assign so much. frann agreed with her but shrugged it off. she started to open her consultant folder and i told them bye once again and left.

why do i feel so lost?

i'm not mad at either of them. it ended on a fine note... i'm just so frustrated and lost lately...

2003-02-15T19:17:00.000-06:00

06/16/01 -- 1:00 p.m.

the day of the mary kay host party is in just a few days, i'm so excited that i can barley sit still. seems that's all that is on my mind lately... seems that's all i can think about. which i guess thats a good thing... it keep my mind off of that person but i know that it's only temporary.

i've been working more lately too which i guess is a good thing. yesterday i worked from 9am-10pm... it was tiring but not as bad as i expected. i work this evening, and tomorrow i have off.

i need to go find a pink dress to wear as hostess, and then monday go pick up a corsage that i ordered for stacy. white daisys with pink carnations, i imagine it will be beautiful.

my grandma is here, i must go socialize, and eat...

ciao.

2003-02-15T19:14:00.000-06:00

06/26/01 -- 8:55 p.m.

it's windy outside and i think i just watered the plants for nothing.

mom is in cozumel, the house is mine for a week.

i don't miss her as much as i thought i would, but i just feel weird... i cannot explain it. just very detached.

there's lots of news.

frann got married.

i don't feel like elaborating.

the mary kay party went well, both frann and stacy came. it was wonderful... it really could not have been better. i stored it in my mind, forever.

i also bought a webcam, which is fun... i'm hoping some of my friends will get one, too.

i cannot think to type.

i love you all.

2003-02-15T19:11:00.000-06:00

07/07/01 -- 2:34 p.m.

i'll be 18 in 20 days!!!... i can start selling mary kay! my life will change! things will be positive, finally. i will be able to focus on something new and goal oriented. i can start with a clean slate.

i can exist without that person if i just have something else to concentrate on to take my mind off of other things... i can and i will live. and i will be happy.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm never happy and i never feel settled unless i'm obsessing over something... whether that be a person, or a thing.

starting this MK thing was fate and for once, i see purpose in everyday life, and i see why that happened. and i'm excited about it.

i feel things sifting away romatic-thoughts-wise... in another, we are closer than ever before. but in that romantic, never out of my mind sense it's all fading... i never wanted that but i can focus on something positive that doesn't ache. this is something REAL that can be. it hurts like hell though, because there's still this deep love and intense sadness.

in the end, i might have lost my imaginary love, but i've hopefully gained a career forever.

2003-02-15T19:02:00.000-06:00

09/06/01 -- 2:19 a.m.

jade told me to be gentle with myself.

i saw a double rainbow today and i fell down the stairs.

i've done a lot of thinking and i feel like i have not made any progress at all.

2003-02-15T18:59:00.000-06:00

09/11/01 -- 11:01 p.m.

it is just all way to much to fathom... this day, it's so terrible. yet terrible is just not a strong enough word to put forth all of the words tumbling through my head to explain this disaster. and a disaster it certainly is. there is no explaination, and it has not sunk in yet either. not for me, not for many many people. this isn't a bad dream either, it's real.

how can this be happening?

i have a feeling this is the beginning to a lot more. i can't see it as the end of the world... not yet, but i see much, much more coming our way. it's scary and it seems we are so helpless. the foundation of our freedom has been shattered. we are all in a helpless daze, trying to catch our emotions and get a hold of ourselves. we cling to shreads of what once was as we attempt to piece together our future and attempt to map out the terror that has unfolded before us.

this day will go down in history as one of the most bizarre, most terrible.

i hope this is an end, but i know it's not. much more will happen.

i fear this is a mere beginning. maybe even the beginning of the end.

to much is happening in my head right now. disaster, love, pain, regret... i just cannot handle this, not right now.

goodnight.

2003-02-15T18:25:00.000-06:00

09/12/01 -- 11:21 p.m.

i still cannot think clearly.

i talked to frann on the phone tonight. she sounded detached, not very much herself. i don't know whether she was drunk or sick. she coughed a lot, her voice was hoarse sounding. when i asked if she was alright she just said that she is "emotionally drained" and that the kids are taking the whole tragedy rough, but that they "have to learn it's a part of life."

i went to wal-mart today. i needed to get some gold ribbon. i bought some glittery butterlys that i stuck to my walls, it looks nice. i'm trying to cheer the place up a little but the bare concrete floors stare back up at me. there's not much i *can* do.

there are crickets in here too, and i cannot sleep for that. i never knew crickets could be so damn annoying.

aol has not booted me yet, so that's a good sign. maybe it's because not as many people are online.

i'm worried about cia too. she's in new york and i know it's so rough on her. it's rough on all of us, let alone being in the middle of it all. she was not on today and i'm worried again.

this is just all to much. i don't think i've ever had this many emotions, this quickly.

i was driving down the road today, listening to the broadcast on the radio... they began playing the star spangled banner on the radio. they added in clips of people talking about the tragedy... it was just very, very sad.

tears were rolling down my cheeks.

it seems everyone is just so fragile right now.

2003-02-15T18:20:00.000-06:00

10/06/01 -- 12:53 a.m.

it rained today. it drizzled. it was muggy, overcast and the sky was dark. it didn't thunder though... it just came down in sheets, smothering everything in rain drops. pelleting from the sky. then it cleared up again... but was always dark. the day crept along slowly, every hour seemed tripled even though the sky seemed like the day was over.

i had to make myself drive to the cafe, i waited until the last possible minute. i hate it there. and honestly, hate is just not a strong enough word. i dread it. i do. i consider it my own private hell. and i know i should have quit a long time ago, but something always kept me there. i don't know what... but it was something. and i go, i threaten myself that i'm going to quit, but i never could... i always went back. again. again and again.

but today there was a simplicity to that drive. i put the top down on my car, let the rain saturate me and the leather seats, i wanted it to cleanse me of all negativity. and the drive allowed me to clear my head. and i drove up to that cafe, and i breated a sigh of relief. i knew this is the last weekend i'd make that dreaded trip. i put in my notice last weekend and i knew, inside, that i *could* manage one more weekend. and i would. just one more before i can turn the page on what i call a very negative period of my life.

the period in time where i'd haphazardly jot down scribbled poetry about someone i loved so deeply. someone who consumed every single thought of every single day. a time where i was degraded by a vengeful woman who thrived on seeing me crumble. a period where the salt of tears always seemed to come at the very thought of going back. how i'd hold on to every thought of being away. and how i cursed the day i returned. back when she was kind to me and welcoming.

but it all turned gray again and the evilness of her ways came through again.

i just cannot take that anymore.

i am not strong enough to endure the pain of it anymore. it has scarred me. damaged my emotions, brought me down at a time where i needed to be uplifted. but it has also taught me a great deal. it's time that i became smart and moved on. this is overdue.

well overdue.

goodnight.