Surrendered Rainbow

2003-02-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

02/11/01 -- 10:36 a.m.

disconnected is the way that i wanted it to be...

i feel i have accomplished a lot already this morning... i don't think there is anything like the feeling of accomplishment. already i've woken up twice. once at 7:14 am to go next door and let out my grandma's puppies so they don't shit in the garage. i drove there, even though it's just next door. i felt so groggy and was in these awful striped red pj's and couldn't bear the embarrassment of anyone being exposed to that. i went to bed after that, ashley was still curled up on the chair and she was still out, completely absorbed in her dreams.

ashley looked all intent last night when she asked me why i analize my dreams, i looked at her blankly... i knew why, yet sometimes explaining stuff to her is just not worth it. she thinks pink hair is weird and anything different, or anything that breaks the barriers is odd and she hates it. when i call her a "prep" she whines about it and tries to come up with ways that shes different. but there are none, and she knows it. but she still tells me one day she's going to surprise me and come to school with black hair... i roll my eyes...

anyway, i woke up again at 9:30ish. i could hear the handle door to my room being opened and i ignored it, i knew it was ashley. i finally looked up and she was standing in the doorway. memories of last night flooded through my brain...

valentines dance in the school cafeteria last night...

ashley had begged me for weeks to go, said it's my senior year and i had no excuse to just not go. i finally gave in, i picked out a sleek black 1940's dress and a long black wool and fox coat, heels, the whole 9 yards... we curled my hair even though it's fried... and ashley put on a long pink and black lace dress. we went, and what i knew would happened happened.

we stood in the back together, talking quietly and watching the events unfold in the room... i don't dance, she knows this, i hammered this into her head before we left... and anyway, if i were to dance, i'd be plastered and in a dress i could actually move in, AND i wouldn't be grooving to a scratchy karokee machine to some zit faced kid that cannot sing.

i felt so anti-social but i was totally fine with that. and ashley had every opportunity to get out there and dance. she didn't. her loss.

when we got back to my house she said she had to call her mom, and that she needed to "sound out of breath and excited... like i had a good time." i stared at her blankly, "you didn't have a good time?" she shook her head "nope." i narrowed my eyes, "because of me?" she nodded, i frowned, "thanks a lot", then i turned away and she got all appologetic. i told her to just forget it. and then it felt all hell broke lose in my brain, there was no shouting, but afterwards there was agonizing silence. silence filled with a few sobs from her, curled up on the chair across the room.

but i felt they were fake tears, and sobs and i didn't acknowledge them. and soon they ceased and the air was filled with the sounds of her steady breathing. she fell asleep and i actually felt glad of that.

now there she stood this morning, as if nothing had happened and i was perfectly fine with that, i was in no mood to argue. i laid there, just looked at her and she looked at me and collapsed to the bed. i told her to get ready for work and crawled out of bed.

as i waited for her, i got an old earring and re-pierced the cartlidge of my ear, it hurt but i was in no mood to talk, it occupied my time. and it still hurts...

she's gone now, i took her to work... now it feels like it should be night time because she much has gone through my mind mentally...

i need to go now.

2003-02-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

02/15/01 -- 9:04 p.m.

"sometimes something can look beautiful just because it's differen't in some way from the other things around it." --andy warhol

today just started out on the wrong foot from the very beginning... so all i have to say is ack to this day... this morning, at 7:00 am, i get a phone call... now normally when the phone rings this early it's usually my step dad, on his way to work, realizing he forgot to turn off the coffee pot and asking mom (who already has) to turn it off. but this phone call was for me... i recognized the voice right away, it was juls. she told me she was just calling to say her dad said there was a bad wreck downtown and if i wanted to avoid a ton of traffic that i should take some twisty detour that i have never even remotely heard of. i thanked her but said i'd manage and hung up... i'm so fucking stubborn.

i even left a bit earlier than usual... i wanted to get to school a bit early because i had some stuff i needed to look up in the library. i pulled out of my driveway and about halfway to town i get stuck in traffic, it's obviously going no where, a lot of people turned around in the middle of the highway. i stayed with it because i had this insane (and unusual!) urge to actually get my ass to school on time.

i soon realized that was not gonna happen... i approached a policeman directing traffic, the road was blocked to we were being forced to turn. i made that turn because i assumed surely this herd of cars had to be headed somewhere so i went with it...

needless to say it was a long, crowded, and nervewracking drive through the country... through god knows where all and it ended up merging back on the highway across the other side of town. i got to school alive and at the time that's all that mattered.

i got to school 25 minutes late, but it was ok and it was excused.

i saw ashley in the hall first thing when i got there... it was weird and awkward because i'd argued all night last night with her on aol... told her how i felt and let her know what was agrivating me about her... and she didn't take it too well but its all resolved now and i'm not in the mood to elaborate.

the "wreck" ended up being a truck that was pulled over that was completely stocked with explosives and drugs... they had one of those robots checking it out and they didn't get it cleared and the roads open until 5:00... so of course this was todays gossip and no telling how much was elaborated and added to it...

school in general was boring but we are working on a nice painting in art and i really like it because it's tropical and nice and all and makes me think about the islands...

i'm so proud of myself, i made a 77 on my government test!!!... that class is known for being hard and i'm actually passing!!! this means i get to go to the future teachers convention next friday! go me!!!

today at work i was really bored... pretending to be busy i stood in the back room. i changed the blade on an exacto knife and just started to cut myself. i dunno why exactly, well, yes i do... but it started out as just a scratch to leave an imprint in the flesh, soon i was pushing down and there was blood... and now there is a bandaid... but i don't feel bad... i don't regret it or anything... it's my body.

this remindes me of what i did 2 years ago when i was in love with jason, when i carved a huge "J" on my leg and wouldn't allow it to heal over... now it's gone and so is my love for him.

and no, i'm not weird and i don't 'like pain' or to do really weird things to my body, this didn't hurt too bad and it just felt like a way to express the pain i'm goign through emotionally lately. dont try to understand it, most likely you wouldn't understand.

my grandma had surgery today... she's in the hospital now but i really don't wanna talk about that.

i really don't have that much to say tonight... it's just been complex and i'm glad tomorrow is friday... i don't have anything to spiffy planned for the weekend... still saving every penny for that tongue piercing... i cannot afford to do anything.

bye now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T23:03:00.000-06:00

02/16/01 -- 11:31 p.m.

"a person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." --nikos kazantzakis

i'm cold.

my hands are cold, my arms are cold, but my feet are ice blocks. why the fuck is it always so cold down here?...

i have to many things to write about tonight, i'm tired, but i'll make a lame attempt at it.

right now i'm in another fucking dilemma with ashley on aol instant messenger, i'm tired as fuck of her melodramatics... tired of her stupid little suicidal hinted exits on aim... just tired of it...

she brought it up to frann today and thats fucked up, frann probably thinks she's fucked up in the head because she's always in another dilemma and crying and being all "poor me" about it. she just craves attention and makes herself act all depressed and helpless for attention and that drives me nuts because i can see past it. she thinks she has it so bad, that she's seriously fucked up... she's not that fucking fucked up, she just likes to think she is and to make a huge fucking soap opera about it. all for the dramatics, sweetie... it's getting so old though.

i need to go to bed now. night.

2003-02-16T22:56:00.000-06:00

02/17/01 -- 05:20 p.m.

"No motion she has now, no force;

She neither hears nor sees;

Rolled round in earth's diurnal course,

With rocks, and stones, and trees."

--Milton

i'm still cold... i swear it's warmer outside than it is in here. yet, it's freezing outside... the sun is out, it's misleading. everything is so fucking misleading these days. i'm frustrated. very frustrated with life in general these days.

things are weird today... i got up late and still nothing has happened... it's like i blinked, time fastforwarded, and it is now 5:00 in the evening. i am still in my pajamas, i still have accomplished absolutely nothing... and i'm hungry... so hungry but too unwilling to do a thing about it. they say time flys when your having fun... but i have not been having fun, and still, time has flown by.

it's fucking saturday... so why the hell am i holed up in my house, online, and fucking freezing???

because i'm broke.

well... I have $10 on me but i need it for gas and i'm saving it... saving the gas.

i get paid monday.

but i won't get the check until tuesday because my boss always forgets. but it's not like it matters anyway, because i have to use every penny for my car payment and insurance.

maybe it's what all that i'm avoiding that is confusing me...

ashley comes tomorrow... and not just for a day... she's moving in with me for a week... damn, it seems like an eternity, and it shouldn't... i am so fucking selfish. but why does her mom have to go out of state at a time when things are so fucked up between us? our emotions and all... i'm just sorta being very vague with her, she doesn't understand me, but it seems thats the wisest thing to do. i think things between us are now just ragged and fucked... maybe i said stuff to her that i shouldn't have... maybe i was rash and uncompromising... but things needed to be aired out and be said. and now they have been and i'm dealing with the consequences.

no, i'm not mad at her, i'm not bitter... just frustrated and confused so i'm shoving it all aside and putting on a mask. for the time being at least. this has just been a crazy month and i kinda wish it had just never happened.

i've been thinking about odd things today... little snipplets of my life. random things not triggered by anything in particular...

i'm remembering birthday parties we had in the summer... those muggy summer nights, jessie, christopher and i.... year after year... how we'd break away from the party of old people, how we'd climb up on the roof and stare at the stars and talk about strange things. philosophies.... our little philosophies... and i wish, right now, instead of being in this freezing room, i wish i was back in time with them... back on the roof, staring so carefree at the stars.

so much has changed... i have not heard from jessie in months... her phone is disconnected and she's so absorbed with her loser boyfriend that i think things have changed forever, and she still wants to work in a mental institution... how fucked up is that? she will no longer think the same because she was forced to grow up to quickly. she'll be 15 next friday... oh god... i just realized that...

ok, this is making me sad... i have to stop.

stop this madness.

think happy thoughts...

2003-02-16T22:32:00.000-06:00

02/25/01 -- 9:02 p.m.

i don't care if it hurts,

i want to have control,

i want a perfect soul,

i want you to notice

when i'm not around,

you're so fucking special...

i wish i was special...

it seems like forever since i've written, that really is a drag because i was doing good about my writing again. nearly daily, woo hoo! anyway the reason i slacked off is because i got pissy with my mom... err, well, to make a long story short, i ended up being grounded. well... i was grounded from the computer, (of course) the one thing i do daily that my mom knew would piss me off if she took away. i swear, i think i'll take up jabbering on the phone so maybe she'll take something i hate away from me...

for some dumb, unknown reason i'm not capable to doing two things at once today... meaning, i just had to cut off music because i was losing my attention (typing) span of writing out this diary... ugggg, i'm so weird lately!!!

well anyway, a week. she made me wait a week before letting me get back online and amazingly i did alright... i mean yeah, i bitched about it but i didn't let her know if got to me too too much. at least i like to think i didn't... and in any case, i had another distraction, ashley moved in for that one week, while her mom was out of town. it really made time drag on, though i feel like such a bitch about it but i was SO ready for her to go home. i know even mom was...

i still find myself unable to handle her dramaticness, i mean it's ok to a certain extent... but she's overdosing me on it. it's always something, she craves attention and thrives on it... i guess it's a psychological thing... i shouldn't try to figure it out. and yah i might be attracted to disfunctional people and friends but this is driving me insane... sometimes i wish i'd never met her...

...but then i'd have no one who halfway understands what i'm feeling. so yes, even now, i still have good times with ashley... but i'm tired of giving advice and have her not taking it to heart.... i'm just fed up!!!!

maybe i'm just a bitch.

lord knows, i feel like one...

she fucked some stuff up this past week... i still cannot get it off my mind... i've explained it so many times to people online but i think it's pretty important that i repeat myself again on here so i have a record to remind myself of it...

wheew... talk about run ons!!!... i'm just in a weird bouncy, yet depressed, concerned mood tonight. i need to talk... just remember, if it makes no sense it's because of the jumble in my mind...

two fridays ago ashley went into frann's classroom... she said it was to tell her to have a nice weekend, anyway, it ended up being that ashley got to talking to her and ended up confessing a bunch of stuff to her. (it had to do with a letter that got picked up in another class, but i'm in no mood to get into that...) confessing stuff about parties she's been to and how she likes to drink... she told me about their conversation later and of course i got pretty mad... it's one thing to have a problem and to go to a friend, but going to a teacher (friend or not) is just a bad idea... in general. i mean as a teacher, they are obligated to report anything they hear of that puts a kid in danger. and i know frann... i know how she stresses about stuff and lets stuff get to her.

she's emotional. always.

and i knew, sitting there, talking to ashley in AOL IM about the "confession" that it was a bad idea...

but i knew it was even moreso on monday when frann took me aside in the hall and whispered "i'm worried about ashley"... and i knew she would, she worried over it all weekend... and i knew she would, that's just the way she is. and sure enough she said she didn't know what she would do, being in her position and all. i told her not to worry anymore, that i'd figure something out.... just don't worry anymore. but her eyes still looked drained and worried.

i hope she takes that to heart. I hate to see her upset.

ashley fucked up again that week, frann was already fragile and still worried about the whole thing and she didn't *need* to overhear ashley talking about some wild party in the bathroom. ashley told me when frann walked out of that stall she felt like fainting... because she knew the effect she'd made. how it was like skating on thin ice, thin ice of emotions. and all week she's been trying to get things back... and of course frann is gracious and kind about it, but i know, and ashley knows things between the three of us will never be the same.

ashley is going to a counselor now, attempting to sort out her emotions, but i still need a break from her, i feel like i'm drowning in her emotions.

anyway, i went on a weekend convention out of town for future teachers, 4 students showed up... we rented a nice big school bus and a driver and stayed in an ultra posh hotel... it was fun, i learned so much...

i'm skipping around... i've had a lot to say...

mom found out i've been cutting myself. i had a little chinese symbol on my hand for the best part of the week and she finally noticed it, i didn't think much of it. she flipped out, completely. for some retarted reason i kept laughing, i just couldn't control it. that pissed her off more. she thinks i did it becasue of my friends, thinks i'm hanging out with 'trash' now... but none of my friends have this. it was merely a way to express myself and i think nothing of it. she *still* thinks the symbol is something having to do with a cult. it fucking means "teacher"! goddamn it. and besides, i'm smarter now...

note: next time i cut myself do it somewhere where mom won't see.

too bad she missed the symbol on my ankle, the heart and scratches on my thigh, and so-and-so's name on my stomach... oh fuck it.

no, i'm not fucked up!!!! i don't get pleasure out of it, but what the fuck is it hurting? it's my only release sometimes.

i have to go back to work tomorrow, oh hell.

i'm bummed now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T22:20:00.000-06:00

02/26/01 -- 9:39 p.m.

giving away promises

i know that i can't keep

nothing fills the blackness

that has seeped into my chest

i need you in my blood

i am forsaking all the rest

just to reach you

i have been lost deep in thought for most of the evening... it's just one of those evenings... i'm not really in the mood to type but i cannot afford to get behind again. it helps me. helps me sort through this mass of stuff clogging my brain.

i spent the evening with ashley, called dawn too... ashley and i went and had film developed. we took her camcorder and filmed driving around town. we filmed people in their cars, we got dirty looks, but some people had a sense of humor and waved and were cool. i cannot wait to watch this tape again in 20 years and see what all has changed. ashley wants to do it again tomorrow and i think i'm up for it.

ashley doesn't get why i bother writing journals, she doesn't get it... i don't think she realizes it's online and stuff. i'm never gonna tell her, this is my corner... i don't mind strangers and online friends reading it though... just, i dunno.... her reading it would be weird, she might get mad at some stuff in here, since i'm so often pissed at her. i vent about her. but i need to.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T17:06:00.000-06:00

03/02/01 -- 9:25 p.m.

"The more I explore neurosis the more I become aware that it is a modern form of Romanticism. It stems from the same source, a hunger for perfection, an obsession with living out what one has imagined, and it is found to be illusory, a rejection of reality, the power to imagine and to to sustain one's endurance, and the the creative force turned into destruction."
- Anais Nin

i just got out of the shower... i feel better now. i was restless before. now i'm thirsty... i cannot get comfortable, i think i'm thinking about too many things. my brain is working overtime, i cannot narrow in on anything. i am drifting haphazardly, lost my train of thought again...

useless... it's all so incredibly useless...

it's all so predictable. i need a vacation. i need to get away from myself. to not think for once. i need to take everything related to anything that i'm dealing with right now and just set it aside. i need to just not think for once. i just want to drift and feel no emotions, no pains. i just want to exist somehow, dangling in my own space... in my own corner...

i'm drinking lemonaide now. it's pink. it's too sweet and cloggs up my throat. i usually like this but it's too sweet now and gives me a headache. i get those a lot lately. i pop pills and it momentarily stops the pain. i have quit having anxiety attacks though... thats a good sign i suppsose. thats such a sad fucking feeling.

my cousin comes to austin tomorrow, i'm driving there because i never get to see him. i miss him. we'll probably go shopping or just chill.

ok, i need to clear my throat...

i need water.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T17:01:00.000-06:00

03/05/01 -- 9:43 p.m.

what is it you adore?... what would you die for?

i posed that question to ashley today... we were driving and i was feeling philosophical so i asked her. she thought a minute and said rather matter of factly, "i'd die for my kids." i blinked, "but you don't have kids yet..." she shrugged. she asked me. i felt kinda dumb because i couldn't tell her honestly what i'd die for. so i blinked again and said "for my mom, even though she's a bitch to me most of the time..."

the weekend was good, i got out of here... i *needed* to... my cousin christopher came down and i saw jessie... we dyed christopher's whole head blue, it turned out nice... i put a streak in mine... it's dark blue. i don't know why i did it, out of boredom i suppose.

clay and i talked a lot today, he invited me to go to a late night car show in some parking lot in austin next saturday. i'll go. i like clay a lot... i always have... but he's a friend and i don't want to ever cross that boundary. because that fucks stuff up.

i need to go now...

goodnight.

2003-02-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

03/08/01 -- 9:49 p.m.

bury my heart separately, it's something that doesn't belong to me...

life is fucked. fucked, fucked, fucked... yeah i'm pissed off... can you tell?... i'm steamed and i prolly shouldn't be writing this entry because i'm really ready to vent, sometimes that's the best time to write though...

what are friends?... i think i'll shift over to dictionary.com and look up the meaning... lets see...

friend (frnd) n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes

ok... now we all know what a friend is... or at least we think we do and that counts for a lot. i've come to the conclusion i have no *real* friends. i have people trying to play the part, stumbling along somewhat by my side, claiming to "understand"... yet i refuse to believe it anymore, i've been a fool all along for trusting, for thinking i had someone who cared... i'm tired of lies, empty promises, hoping... and being let down. i've taken it before, thought it was probably just me... but now i've decided to not dedicate myself anymore, to anyone. because what is a friend?... is it one who is always too preoccupied with other more "important" things to do rather than attempt to help? if even to listen for a moment, just one moment when listening could help me so much... is it one who is too caught up in their own life to listen for a few minutes to a person who really needs a friend to talk to? and it's always that, it's always inconvienent to talk. i'm tired of investing so many concerns in a friendship and having that person spit in my face. kicked me when im already down... well, you know who you are. thanks a lot, you know i'd never do it to you.

i'm really through this time.

fuck you. and fuck all your goddamn schoolwork. i hope some day you realize what you've done, maybe then you'll feel what it feels like to be me.

tell me something dangerous and true.

and as for ashley (no all the ranting above was not for her), i'm through with her too. that hurts but i have to... she thrives on being miserable and in the process makes everyone around her miserable. i cannot take it anymore. well, we might end up being friends again but that bond we had before is completely broken. i cannot take it anymore, i really can't. i have enough on my mind without worrying over this. talking to her doesn't help either... it does momentarily but then everything shifts back to normal. so much for trying to be a fucking friend.

word of the day: friend

something bad happened to frann yesterday... i found out today and am still boggling over it. i am angry tonight, so very angry and i cannot help it. i'm sorry... i sound so fucking depressed... but really i'm not. i'm just going through a rough time. thoughts... having no friends to support me hurts too...

well anyway, about frann... i had this feeling yesterday when i left school, this paranoia... i went by frann's classroom after 3rd period as i always do to talk for a few minutes before rushing off to work. she's usually always there. always. yesterday she wasn't. the room was dark, locked. dead. i couldn't find her anywhere and somehow i knew she was not on campus, it worried me because it was so unlike her... i thought of it all evening. told myself i was just paranoid and tried to block it out again.

this morning i walked into school and straight to her room, luckily she was there, she asked me if i heard about yesterday. i said no, "what happened?" she started to talk about it while she did her usual habit of organizing all her stuff as she talked, pausing every so often... she said yesterday she was having her lunch in the faculty lounge, they were laughing and talking like they always do. she said all of a sudden she got *really* light headed. she said she couldn't even see straight and had no clue what was happening to her. when the bell rang mrs. barr had to "literally hold me up and walk me down the hall". she said when she got to her class room, "i managed to get class started". then she said she sat down and the phone rang, she couldn't get up so she had to call nate over to help her get up. "i said 'nate, you're gonna have to help me, there's no way i can get to that phone.'" so he helped her over there... then she skipped around and suddenly she was telling me about how "sweet mr. crouse and mr rose" came to her assistance. that mr. rose taught her class while mr. crouse stopped whatever he was doing and drove her to the hospital. she told me (motioning with her hands) that they "pricked my fingers and everything, did their little tests." she said she even felt nascious and she said at one point the doctor asked her "what do you mean by 'lightheaded'? is the room spinning." she said to him "NO the ROOM is not spinning my HEAD is though."they said that her blood pressure went from 160something to 60, then to 90, then to 60, all in a few minutes time. they asked her if she'd been fasting and she was like "no, i had a biscuit and sausage for breakfast and had a caesar salad just earlier for lunch". she also said she has a history of high blood pressure in her family. they gave her pills, she referred to them as her "chill pills." i asked if they worked and she said "yeah but even that evening when i was doing stuff like unloading my dishwasher i felt lightheaded again."

worried? yes, of course i'm worried about her...

we had finals today. i took my art one but my main hard tests are tomorrow. i have not studied because i feel if i dont know it by now cramming the before will only confuse me... spring break starts tomorrow. i found out i'm not working. the lazy part of me screams "yay!" the practical part says "money... you need money..." i do need more hours... i need to talk to my mom about getting my tounge pierced *again*... i wanna do it tomorrow and she's still so anti-it. fucking hell...

i *need* to do it tomorrow.

i just asked her... mom said no again, she says i have to move out...

maybe i will.

i just talked to jessie on the phone. she bought me a clear tounge ring... she thinks i should move out. maybe i will....

ok, i'm tired now and my head is fucked.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:22:00.000-06:00

03/09/01 -- 11:10 p.m.

little miss magic, watcha gonna be?

i just realized how much i've been on mom's computer lately... this is ordinarily so forbidden... she doesn't like me using it. it's new. it's hers. yet somehow she has not uttered a word about it, and she's nice. she's being nice to me, and i, i am being nice too...

i'm thinking (knowing) it has something to do with the whole moving out prospect that i have been narrowing in on... she is so anti-tounge piercing and it's driving me insane, because she told me no once she just refuses to change her mind. now to me, it's the principle of the whole thing, i'm not letting up. it's so fucking unfair... yah, i'm willing to move out, but i'm too damn lazy to actually get stuff organized enough *to* move out... there is just a lot to it and i have sorting out to do in my head. at least before i make any really rash decisions that can totally fuck up my future, because, believe it or not, i *do* care.

but for now, i'm kinda relishing in how nice my mom is being to me... it all seems so foreign these days.

my cousin and her boyfriend came down this evening but they went to bed already. it's not like old times... i don't follow her around anymore, i just sit down here online. we've grown apart and are both so different.

she always wanted the white picket fence. i ran from that, i've always ran from anything that could tie me down...

we had dinner. it was nice although i ate to much and now i feel like a pig. it's been a fucked up day... spring break now. so yeah.

i'm going to bed now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:19:00.000-06:00

03/10/01 -- 11:59 p.m.

i should go to bed. i'm sleepy, i'm making no sense. dawn just left, she came over because she was sorry she felt too bad to go to the carnival with me. she shouldn't be sorry but it's like her to feel bad when she lets me down. we watched a movie, me, dawn, kristin (my cousin) and kris' boyfriend. i forgot the name of it, the movie. it was pretty funny although my eyelids felt heavy, they feel even moreso now.

kristin and waylon went upstairs to sleep, they were being noisy, they woke my mom and she was mad and started shouting down the stairwell at dawn and i. dawn and i were in a deep conversation about tounge rings and principals. i told mom to yell at my cousin because i had not been loud at all. i don't think she did but all the noises upstairs have ceased.

i got my hair cut today. i guess that was the big highlight of the day. i just decided that my hair was much to long and much to fried to deal with anymore. we did it at wal-mart and i'm very pleased. i decided i wanted bangs too, so i did it. and it's short and pretty and i'm happy with my hair for once. i need to just leave the coloring alone but i really hate the color it is right now. oh bah!

i wanted to go to that damned carnival.

i'm glad dawn came over.

i have a crick in my neck... i never have these and i dunno what brought it on. it hurts when i hold my head in a certain position... eck. is there a cure for this or must i just suffer?

i need to clean my room. i have wet sheets in the washer, i forgot to switch it to the dryer. i guess i'll have to sleep on my matress tonight because i won't last long enough for them to dry. not tonight. and then there's putting them on the bed. oh hell.

well, hell.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T15:14:00.000-06:00

03/11/01 -- 11:27 p.m.

i cannot complain much about today, i had a decent day, it started out rainy and gloomy but it blossomed into a gorgeous day. sunny with a lovely crisp breeze... i think good days kinda put me in a good mood... laa li laa...

it was a cruddy day for hairdo's though... i curled my hair and all... it was lovely. then i walked outside and my masterpiece went flat and frizzy, eh, figures... i was stubborn though and i didn't pull it back.

we went to some caverns today... toured them. it was really neat. i had been before but today was definately better. i paid attention and everything. it was a nice trip and we got ice cream afterwards! then we came home and went boating and my hair got even more fucked over but that was okay because we had fun...

my cousin got drunk tonight. her boyfriend too. she came slinking down the stairs with a bottle of peach 'puckers' and a grin. they went outside, tried to get me to go too, but i stayed inside... they came in moaning and holding their stomachs. i couldn't help but smirk.

i'm such a bitch.

heh, i need to go put the sheets on my bed now...

speaking of beds... i've been thinking about my college room. yep, yep, i must have lavender walls, shag rugs, and a leopard bed spread... gaudy, gaudy, gaudy!

oh, if you sign my guestbook i'll give you a cyber daisy ;)! puleeze!!?? here.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T14:46:00.000-06:00

03/12/01 -- 10:15 p.m.

"you stare at the wall... like it's a window..."

my internet has been fucked up all day and it's annoying the hell out of me. sometimes it will let me on and everything is ok... then it fucks up again... of course it fucks up at a time thats the very worse for me... it usually connects but no web pages will load. grrrrrrrrrr.... i need the internet, there is absolutely nothing else to do. technology... bleh.

it stormed last night, and it was actually a real storm... rainy and loud. i love that... i opened one of my windows and just let the mist filter through, it felt so good, comforting. i had to use an old jar and a letter from ashley to prop open and stabilize the window. the rain smelled so good... remindes me of stuff long forgotten. the letter was all smeared this morning. but thats ok, because so is my relationship with ashley.

i miss the islands...

i still need a vacation.

my cousin and her boyfriend had to leave today... we didn't do much, they waited around until the last moment before they left... i really don't get that... they called in sick to work and made a big fuss over things just to stay a few hours longer. and they stayed but did absolutely nothing. and they weren't even hung over... either that or they are good actors. either way, i got to smirk last night, i still am.

i played with the puppy a lot of the day. i swear he looks like a baby polar bear. his shape, color, everything. he's a doll. i took pictures.... i fixed my hair too and used a load of hairspray. it's so 60's looking, i love it. i usually hate my hair... maybe it actually has something going for it now?? hurm.... i had to run errands for my mom today. then i had french fries, a coke and vanilla ice cream for lunch. yummm..... this hairdo remindes me of vicki... i miss vicki.

hairspray makes my head itch too...

how the hell does vicki do it?

tomorrow mom and i are going to austin to a bookstore, before we leave town she said we'll stop by and see vicki, i'll take pictures... i miss her, miss her. vicki is an angel. i really think she is. she can be a bitchy angel sometimes... but i think angels can be bitchy too, right?? yep, yep, vicki *is* an angel....

i think i'm going back to austin on wednesday with dawn to buy weird clothes in thrift stores... it'll be fun...

goodnight.

2003-02-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

03/13/01 -- 11:59 p.m.

"it's hard to bullshit the ocean. it's not listening, you know what i mean." --david crosby.

i went shopping today, yes indeed. books. i bought lotsa books... weird books... strung out books... i want a book on 1950's trash glamour... with pictures, it'd have to have pictures... i bought a book called "everything i know i learned on acid", it's purple... very pretty... i think i'll look at it again... it smells new and is full of interesting quotes...

i bought a nice little book on dreams too... because mine are so fucked up lately. and a birthday book too... also a book on sunset murders. i shouldn't read it, it depresses me. i liked the cover though. it's a psychotic cover... eye candy.

i think i want to have andy warhol inspired paintings on my walls when i get my college house... and, and, and shower curtains for window curtains, then of course my lavender walls... i saw that in a magazine. i want gaudiness... i want a black and white tv too... maybe i'll stick rhinestones to it. for the simplicity of it all... and bean bags, i'd have to have that... shag rugs and odd hanging lights, purple couch, yes i must have that. i think i need a nightstand from the 1920's for all my weird books... a marilyn monroe calender. maybe i'll glue things to the walls too... like action figures... broken hearts...

simplistic things...

dawn.

dawn is simple, yet creative and wonderful... when i think of her i think of cherished memories. clear memories. such as, sipping cherry cokes and driving down a windy country road in her old yelow LTD... the hum of the motor, i think of patsy cline on a crackly am radio, singing, laughing, smiling, relishing in the moment... i think of a pastel scarf around her rearview mirror, always there, billowing in the hot texas air... a led zepplin sticker on her bumper... her wild white hair hanging into her brown eyes, a faery laugh... i think of ufo's and just thinking to think... james dean and 50's glamour... red lipstick... blues music, weird foods... 6th street... gypsies, photography, and hair dye.

we are going to town tomorrow... yes indeed. we are on a mission to buy odd clothes. buffalo exchange is a good thing... maybe ice skating... taking in a movie. making memories...

laa ti daa daa...

i saw a girl in a thrift store today with this magnificent magenta hair... black roots... keen. it was neat... grungy and she had piercings. it's a good thing. uniqueness.

"miami beach is where neon goes to die." --lenny bruce.

i'm getting very sleepy.

please be a doll and sign my guestbook, you gorgeous thing you!

goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:51:00.000-06:00

03/15/01 -- 11:29 p.m.

i miss that odd stringy pink chewing gum... the sticky, too-sweet stuff i used to chew as a little kid... the really pink kind that tasted grainy in the mouth until it was chewed up, then it always managed to get hard and lose all of its flavor... it was also impossible to blow bubbles with too... the texture, it just wasn't right... i do miss that though... the simplicity of being a kid and liking gross stuff like that.

like clear pepsi...

i remember clear pepsi, hating it yet convincing myself otherwise. it was cool. it was clear, yet pepsi... when i think of it i oddly think of pepper and this old billboard advertising it that slowly peeled away, each time we drove by it faded more... it was up long after clear pepsi was forgotten. it's gone now, thats all i know... and anyway, it doesn't matter...

i went to town with dawn and collette yesterday, we went to coffee shops and thrift stores and just existed... drifting. we were like gypsies, rain gypsies... rain gypsies in uncomfortable shoes and smeared mascara. dawn existed in black leather and red lipstick, her hair whiter than ever, collette in sandels, the nature one... as for me, droopy hair... my hair was droopy... and my makeup was smeared.

i bought a new skirt though, pretty and old looking... it's too tight and i feel like a hooker in it, collette swears i don't look like one but really i don't care if i do... i'm just me... whatever that means... besides, hookers don't really wear combat boots? well, at least not the ones i've seen...

coffee is a good thing. yes, indeed. i cannot stand the taste, yet it's comforting in its own way, the smell, the warmth, the sound of it brewing... i took random pictures in a coffee shop yesterday.

collette had hot tea. they tried to get me to try it... still, somehow i cannot shake the taste of the last thing dawn made me try... bitter, bitter coffee and i couldn't get the taste to leave my mouth all night. so i refused and they gave up at trying to convince me otherwise. they let me boggle around and take pictures... no one took notice, not even the pale girl with red dreadlocks playing a wooden flute on the front porch, or the young man sketching something on a velvot couch in the corner, or even the hippie girl with unbrushed hair who was busy rolling her own cigarette.

peaceful, it was all very soothing and good for the soul. no one stared or took notice of anything in particular. no judgemental looks, just a small escape from the harsh outside world... i wanted to stay longer... but collette wanted to look at more overpriced used shirts so we left.

we settled in at a booth in another dim coffee shop. blue crushed velvot seats... smokey air mixed with the smell of exotic coffees... i had a pepsi, dawn got soup and collette had cranberry juice. i got an oreo cake and it was fucking heavenly, yet so fucking sinful... dangerously wonderful.

and i don't regret it.

i'm tired now... i think i'll go to bed now. night.

2003-02-16T01:46:00.000-06:00

03/18/01 -- 3:35 p.m.

"nobody can be exactly like me. sometimes even i have trouble doing it." --tallulah bankhead.

it's a lazy, lazy day... i'm still in my pajamas, i won't change, i won't. this is my last day of freedom before having to go back to the hell i call school. really though, i don't mind it much... just the whole idea of it is what puts me in a bad mood. trapped. it should be optional yet i know why its not.

mom is smoking... i can smell it filtering down the stairs... she's on the phone, consulting vicki... and that is good and all but the smoke is getting to me. i just got out of the shower and i feel all good and clean and all and the smoke is ruining the veil of purity that i feel wrapped in at this moment.

i'm hungry, i should eat... i had a brownie earlier but it was not too filling and i want real food... something fattening that has substance. and a drink... i should get up and go make myself a pepsi. mom is still smoking though and it feels harsh right now... ordinarily it doesn't bother me... maybe i'm just touchy lately.

i'm gonna go get food now, goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:35:00.000-06:00

03/22/01 -- 9:40 p.m.

"pretty is only how well you apply your base." --jayne mansfield

some things are fucked up... i have to go back and work at the cafe for a few weekends... i cannot take this. fuck, fuck, fuck.

fuck noreta (aka vengeance). she'll burn in hell.

i know she will.

2003-02-16T01:32:00.000-06:00

03/24/01 -- 11:36 p.m.

"within ourselves there is a deep place at whose edge we may sit and dream." --lehrman

driving home never ceases to make me sleepy... and driving home tonight was no exception. there were memories, too many memories which were stirred up, for i was traveling the same road at the same time that i had before... only i'd sworn to myself that i'd never do it again, never again. yet i was. i'd given in and now i'm even more of a failure than i started out as.

i was stuck in a place, a bad situation entirely and i did what i had to do, or what i was forced to do. maybe it was not wise... but i think in some sick way maybe it is. i accepted cheryl's invitation to go back to work at the place that hurt my mind and marred my emotions.... once i'd finally wiped them from my thoughts, from my memory they call me back... and i go back... i meekly accept the invitation and return. after what they did to me i went back when they needed me. i keep saying its temporary. it better be. i will make myself make sure it's temporary.

i went back through old ticketbooks today, found the stuff i had jotted down months before when i was trapped in that hell. it brought back memories, most i do not want to remember... the hell is the same but the players, the bosses have put on nice faces...

they are being for fucking nice to me that its surreal and i cannot force myself to believe it. maybe it's best this way, then they cannot as easily stab me in the back. things cannot be this well, they cannot possibly really like me... they just need me. they proved that they do not like me they did that months ago... this poem is a sole reminder of the hell i endured:

:::the vengeance:::

she stands there,

watching me,

like a hawk

on the prowl.

eyeing her prey,

feeding on me,

ripping me.

tearing at my emotions

until i crumble.

my tears please her.

she watches me,

waiting.

waiting for me to fall,

for me to fail.

she does it all again,

it's a cycle,

a spinning cycle of my emotions.

i'm so tired, so give out and upset with myself... and i know it will be this way for a while, this slump. the whole idea of being back depresses me but i smile and try to be cheery but i'm dying by the end of the day. my whole body aches. my mind never stops thinking... crazy shit.

i did try to be happy tonight, i honestly did... i even danced on my way out the door, on my way home... i spun circles on my way out the greasy walkway, down to the parking lot, to my car, away from that dungeon. the hell.

i had a nice talk with frann though on friday, typing about it makes me feel a bit better... i went by her classroom after school, before work. i always have a few minutes to kill and of course i try to spend every second of that with her... it truly feels like she's my only friend these days, after the whole ordeal with qshley. anyway, she was grading something... i came in and she set her pen down, wanting to talk, as usual.

i don't know what brought it up but somehow we ended up talking about a lady who used to teach at the school with her... it ended up bleeding into her taking a trip to vegas with this same teacher... then she changed the topic (as usual) to their visit to a place called the rainforest cafe... then she said she had convinced the lady to go with her to "a chip and dale place," i looked at her confused and she almost did a little blush, "'y know, the mens strip place?" "oh..." i laughed, waiting for her continue... the door opened, a student named lesley walked in and asked for some paper frann was supposed to have graded. ms. a looked at me told me to hang on a second, then she quickly finished the grading and wrote a note to lesley's mom. we all started walking down the hall, i was a bit miffed that lesley was with us because i knew frann wouldn't finish her story with lesley there.

suddenly we were talking about $3 massages (thanks to lesley) and she had obviously totally forgotten her train of thought on the strip thing. lesley took off the other direction and and said "ok, finish your story." frann blinked, "where was i?" i laughed, "you were in vegas."

i kept glancing at the clock, i was already late to work but it was ok, i could make up an excuse for being late. she told me about how she'd only been to one other strip bar, it was a few years back when her and a few other teachers went to a local bar and saw it. she was laughing as she recalled it to me. i listened and laughed right along with her...

we were just standing there at the end of the hall, my books in my hand, her arms full of paper work. laughing... a tap stopped us, a lady in the office was tapping on the glass, holding up the phone and mouthing "you have a phone call" to frann. i told her she better go but she was intent on finishing her story... so she did... she kept telling it even with just her head poking out the office door. we said our goodbyes and i grinned as i rushed out to my car... that lady cracks me up.

i have more to type about but i'll make note of it for another time. i'm much to tired now.

goodnight.

2003-02-16T01:07:00.000-06:00

03/25/01 -- 6:12 p.m.

The two lights over the front steps were haloed with a hazy nimbus of mist, and strange insects fluttered up against the screen, fragile, wing-thin and blinded, dazed, numbed by the brilliance."

--the journals of sylvia plath 1950-1962

the academy awards are on... i have to go.

today is dawn and collette's birthday.

2003-02-16T01:04:00.000-06:00

03/27/01 -- 9:06 p.m.

i cannot think today... i'm sick. fever, sinuses... sore throat... i cannot breathe... my nose is clogged, my eyes water, they sting... i'm just fucked over tonight. i do not make sense, it means a lot to make sense tonight... i need to tonight because so much happened that i'm boggling around tonight. just thinking, trying to ponder up a good way to present things.

i cannot be poetic either. i can only sit here and sniff with my sinuses, bitch about how i feel and think about the day.

it started out so bad. i felt so sick all through chemistry, my stomach kept cramping up. i don't know what from either... it was intense. maybe something i ate... i felt like reeling over and holding my stomach and crying. i finally had to go to the nurse... it was a bitch, she couldn't give me medicine because no one signed for permission. i had no one to call either cause mom was having her hair highlighted in austin... i went back to class, felt like dying... it got better, finally.

economics was a bitch too, we checked our stocks mostly... i like it better than government if thats even possible... i dunno why. both are fucked.

god i'm miserable.

my stomach is still acting weird.

it rained all day...

ugly, unforgiving weather... i'm gonna go lay down now...

2003-02-16T01:01:00.000-06:00

03/29/01 -- 8:34 p.m.

"...and as for you, dear, you will go on sighing for the moon; and when you find the moon is unattainable, you will not dream of seeking solace in more earthly lights..." --pauline lister, from the rosary.

"for love is eternal; and the birth of love frees the spirit from all limitations of the flesh."

2003-02-16T00:55:00.000-06:00

03/31/01 -- 3:23 p.m.

"the moon is a monk who gazes enviously at the earth, or a cat who walks on a rug of stars." --friedrich nietzsche

goddamn it, my cousin keeps coming in and out and slamming the door... she's too old to do this... i think she's just pissy because i won't come outside and socialize... i would if i didn't know that i have to be at work in less than 45 minutes. hell, it's much more fun to know you have the entire evening to just lay around and have fun... i have shit to accomplish in these less than 45 minutes and i intend to.

perhaps its wrong of me to be inside on the computer when it's my aunts 50th birthday and people are all outside... people i don't see much. but honestly, i've been out there, smiled, chatted... i don't know half of them anyway. they are all either over 50 or under 5... and i'm not good with kids, especially really young annoying ones with no manners who run around in circles shooting water guns at anyone within a 18 mile radius... ugggh!

i'm really not in a bad mood, i'm just feeling incredibly rushed. and i know i'm fixing to have to go get ready for work... and i fucking hate that job... dawn might come over tonight but by the end of my working i'll be so exhausted.... bah!

our toilets are screwed, both of them... seems our septic system is saturated. so all of our 30something guests have to go next door to use my grandma's toilet. i guess thats good for me because that keeps random people from coming in and out and disturbing me (except my cousin)... except now i have to go to the bathroom.

fucking hell....

well, sorry i'm so pissy today, i'm not really pissy... just in a mood i suppose...

taa taa...

2003-02-16T00:52:00.000-06:00

04/02/01 -- 1:24 p.m.

i want another ferret... i never realized how bad i want another one until yesterday. dawn and i went to town after i got off work, we went by a petstore and they had these baby ferrets and we held them and they were so so cute and now i miss bookie more than ever. i miss his cute little racoon face, the way he bounced around, and those cute little frustrated sighs he used to do. god, i miss him.

these little guys were so small and cute... the one i held was kinda mean, he nipped but i didn't mind, i just kept holding him and smelling that little familiar ferret smell. i was so tempted to just toss over $119 and just get him. i know thought my ass would be grass if i did. mom says no more animals until i move out. so i've now come to the conclusion that i shall get two baby ferrets when i move to austin. i will litter train them and they will run around the house like kitties and sleep curled up beside me at night. yes, indeed.

i bought some new lotion yesterday too, i've been wanting new lotion, it's from bath and body works... smells very good... i'm in school now. i think i'll go... more tonight, hopefully...

laterz.

2003-02-16T00:26:00.000-06:00

04/03/01 -- 1:26 p.m.

hummmmm.... online psychic stuff is weird... divination is odd too, espesh being online and all... but weird is good, i'm not knocking it. i also have no right to doubt it, i mean i just finished with this nifty little palm reading thingie online, it was interesting and all but mostly i'm just quite proud of myself, i've never been able to locate any of the little lines on my hands. yah, they are there but i never knew which one meant what. well, now i do and it's not so hard. and actually the results surprised me... hummmm...

You have a good imagination, and often exhibit sensitivity to others.

There is a tremendous amount of intensity in your mental processes. Your ability to concentrate is excellent. At times you have the ability to focus your mind so strongly that the rest of the world is shut out.

Sometimes you feel jealous, and must avoid becoming overly possessive in your relationships.

There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.

You are likely to make decisions based on intuition or feelings rather than intellect.

Your personality is dynamic and attractive to most people. The more branches you find in your heart line, the more friends and lovers you will have. Your sincerity and compassion make people like you even more.

There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.

Your high energy level draws people to you.

You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.

You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.

A major illness or setback is predicted near mid-life. However, you can expect a speedy recovery.

No matter what other factors influence your personality, there is an under lying sense of practicality that you can draw on if you wish.

hummmm... thats very true and all... a lot of it is, except the concentration factor got me... i'm not good at concentrating. i'm horrible at it in fact, i think there is just too much going on in my mind for me to narrow in on anything in particular. even my friends can tell you sometimes (well, most of the time) it's hard to talk to me... i almost talk in riddles, because my mind is always going, that i get distracted, i pause a lot, lose my place... i must be hard to talk to...

i think i'm tired of typing now... school is almost out. i don't feel poetic. i feel just blah right now, not unhappy or anything. there is a bit of apprehension. but there always is with me. anxiety... ugggh. i must quit thinking.

toodles...

2003-02-16T00:17:00.000-06:00

04/04/01 -- 8:38 p.m.

"god looks after fools, drunks and the united states" --jim fitzgerald

i have a date for prom... well, not a date, date, but none-the-less someone is going with me, i am not going alone. hooty hoo, who knew?! and, it is someone that i'm very pleased about since she's one of my very oldest and very dear friends. i just got off the phone with her, invited her. she is coming... i am pleased. a bit nervous though because she's prone to do stupid things and there is no telling that she might do or what she might wear... oh foo, i don't really care though because i'm almost finished here, and really, high school is only a portion of this life...

yes, it's jessie.

she had just had a fight with the loser boyfriend (that i still cannot stand). yes, the rich little freak who snorts no telling what all and drives a bmw... her mom still doesn't know she's dating him, and she still wants to work in a mental institution for the sheer thrill of the idea. she still lives marilyn manson and she still does drugs and she still dresses slutty... but she is jessie and she's growing and learning and i just hope to god she doesn't fuck things up too bad. she probably will though, and in that case i hope she gets through it ok and learns something out of it all.

she's going to illinois tomorrow. she told me because her grandpa is dying, please note she said this with a total lack of emotion. i told her it was ok to be pissy and that she could take it out on me. she straightened out after that because she knows how straightforward i am and that i really meant it.

her boyfriend hit her at the lake today and she hit him back and he made her walk home... and she cussed him out and she's mad now... he called crying and she told him to fuck off, then admitted to me that it's a cycle... that it will happen again. i know it will but she's fucking hard headed, even worse than me... she will let it happen again. he's not her knight in shining armor, she knows this but she tells me "i gave him something special" and grins insanely then goes back to him, over and over.

ann (her mom) was stoned, i could hear her in the background. jessie told her she needed to get a dress, ann muttered she'd get her one. i sighed. how like ann... how fucking predictable... ann with her orange and brown hair, unmatching tennis shoes, and cigarette burns... blah!

i need to go do my homework now...

goodnight.