04/05/01 -- 6:12 p.m.
i've been really concerned lately about the whole situation with ashley... so i went first thing this morning to frann's classroom to talk about it. i had to wait by her door for a few minutes until she arrived... she greeted me in a rush of exuberance... her keys jangling "good morning, good morning, good morning!" she blurted out with a big smile. i held her coffee cup while she struggled with unlocking her door, before we were even in the room i blurted it out:
"i did something really stupid," i said, she scurried over to her desk, then looked up, confusion flushing on her cheeks.
"why? what happened?"
"i tried to talk to ashley" i frown, thinking about the fight we had a month ago that i've been avoiding all this time.
she frowns too. "well, thats good right?"
"no" i say, "she's pretty mad."
she frowns more.
i told her a few of the things that were said, she continued to frown, then she looked at me and said "well, i'm glad you did, i think you did the right thing."
i smiled. she always manages to make me feel better. i went to chemistry no longer feeling so guilty about the ashley situation.
school went fairly smoothly... we had pizza in advisory and those cheap sugary cokes that just make me thirstier... the pizza was that new kind from pizza hut, the twist kind... the crust is a twist garlic stick... hurmm... well anyhoo, i usually hate garlic sticks but these were real scrummy dipped in marinarra sauce. yum! i'm making myself hungry, i must stop...
well, 3rd period rolled around and natty came walking up to me (she's a foreign exchange student from thailand) she handed me my computer disk for computer class along with a note. i knew the note would be from ashley... and i was right.
okay, in explanation, i did something stupid yesterday, i decided that after a month of my silence that i'd instant message her... i knew she was the one who wanted to know what the problem was and she was the one thats been dying and going to the end of the world to get me to talk to her again... but i don't want that. i don't want broken bridges either. i told her that. i told her i just wanted to be acquaintances, i don't want any hard feelings... etc. i really thought that she'd understand and that when we parted that everything would be cleared and i could quit being bothered about it. well of course she immediately started questioning me and making me feel bad... so i ended it and instantly regretted having even sent her a message, i told her that too. it my attempt to clear shit up was royally screwed over and she took that opportunity to be a bitch. it was her opportunity to vent. it was embedded in stone.
so fuck her.
i don't need her constant array of shit.
and now, i'm mad again... i was never mad before, i just needed time to think.
where was i?... oh, 3rd period... i got that note. all it was was her going off about what all i did wrong... i read it and was pretty mad. after i calmed i wrote her back. i feel very at peace with what i said. now i feel comfortable walking out of this friendship. i was nice, i was blunt. but i'm nearly positive it's over. afterall, i was the one who had the right to be mad in this situation but she twisted it back around.
this was the last thing she said after giving me an account of everytime i sneezed and did something wrong: (and this is the nice part)
"thanks for trying to talk to me last night.. although it got us nowhere. and thanks for wanting to be friends again, but i dont want to be friends with you. it's been too long, there is no point in trying to save anything. and you know we both want that! i will be around if you ever want me though, although after what i just said you probably dont care."
first of all, i didn't realize that there is a time limit on friendship, and i never attempted to be friends again, i don't really want that... i explained that to her first thing last night. i told her i really have nothing to say, i told her i just didn't want any broken bridges and that i didn't want us to be pissed off at each other for all of eternity. i just wanted a blank slate... not to start over again, but just to wipe out all harsh feelings. i'm not having her put me through that again. but she couldn't accept that, so fuck it. i wrote a nice reply. i'm happy with it. i don't know what she'll think of it, but honestly, at this point, i do not care.
this was my exact response to her:
ashley,
first of all, i appreciate that you took the time to write me about your point of view on the situation that we are in. i respect that very much and it means more than you know. although, i do not ever recall saying that i was right about everything and that you were wrong, but be that as it may... for the record, honestly, i have never felt that way. i never said i was right. i never dwelled on it. i know i cannot change your opinion of me or the situation, but i'm not going to just let this sit stagnant. it was a bad situation (through and through) that i've never been in before and i handled it in the way i saw fit. i'm sorry if you did not agree with that and that you didn't understand why i did what i did. we were both hurt during all of this, but continuing to dwell on it will only cause more pain and frustration. we both need to become better people and get over it and move on with our lives.
yes, in some ways i feel that i did not react in the way i should have, i admit that... i think we both have regrets. if you don't you should re-think the situation in it's entirety.
i know at one point or another we have both said things that we do not mean... i know i have, after all, no one is perfect. saying things in the heat of the moment usually causes only anger and regrets. i apologize for anything wrong that i did, i really do. i hope you can get past that. meddling in the past is no way to live, neither is living in it. or thriving in depression.
i know you've had issues, i've listened to them, i've made attempts to help. maybe i didn't understand it all, or i didn't point you in the direction that you wanted to be pointed, and maybe i didn't say what you wanted to hear... after a while though, it got old. you've always know i've been here, always, but when suggestions always fall on empty ears i think its not worth the hassle or the heartache. putting myself through that time after time slurped every bit of positive energy out of me, it made me lose countless hours of sleep each night. i'm sorry i let you down in that area but i'm just not strong enough anymore. i really wish i was.
you've pretty much made it clear that you no longer want to be friends, and that you don't want to talk to me again. i accept that, you have your reasons. i've had mine but i'm not dwelling on them anymore, i've decided that i'm going to enjoy my last moments here. thank you for being such a shining part of them! we've had a lot of great memories and i will cherish them until the end of time. thank you for that.
i'm sorry that i couldn't live up to your standards of a friend and that it couldn't work out. i will always be there for you though. always know that.
always,
natalie
i took it back to frann after school, i asked her if she could read over it for me and tell me what she thought. we went into her classroom. i sat in a desk and she pulled up a stool next to me. she opened the letter and started to read. i knew she'd be able to tell me what was not clear, being an english teacher and all...
it took her a while to finish it, seemed like eternity... i think she re-read parts, she had to of, she's to quick of a reader to be that slow... she finally stopped, folded it up, and handed it back to me. "that's really good" she said. she then faced me...
we started discussing it. it was a true comfort, her understanding eyes, the soothing words she spoke. she told me she thought i handled it very well and that she thinks i'm doing the adult thing. she told me ashley is very "immature" and she told me she really thinks ashley has an attention problem, like maybe she didn't get enough attention growing up. that she thrives on it and likes to be depressed and get other people involved. i knew her words were genuine, she meant the best, she wasn't out to diss ashley, but she sees it through my eyes, exactly. it was like she had looked into my soul and told me exactly what i thought. and i knew she understood.
we even started talking about ashley's drinking problem, about the time she confessed it to frann. about how she sleeps around, yes, that was brought up too... frann told me she knows how alcohol can make you open and "vunerable" to doing stuff you might regret or not remember the next morning.
a guy came in and interupted our deep conversation. he wanted her to review him for the test tomorrow. she tried to be quick yet thorough with him. and she was, luskily... but still, i was already late for work... i waited though, we always walk down the hall to the office everyday at this time, i leave for work, and she drops stuff off at the office. when he left she told me again she thought i "did the right thing".
on the way down the hall she told me in a whisper that ashley had come up to her a few weeks before and said "that you always give her dirty... oh girl, you cannot tell her i told you this..." i swore that i'd never betray her like that. she smiled, didn't skip a beat, "she said you always gave her dirty looks in the hall". i laughed and explained how i always avoided looking at ashley. after all avoiding her is better than looking at her and shooting dirty looks. she laughed and told me she completely understood that, then she began a story about how guilty she felt about having to do that to an old co-worker... some lady who had home problems and never let up on telling them to her. it got to the point that it was very annoying and frann never knew how to respond to it.
"oh i must have been horrible, just awful... she was always talking about her family problems, like all the time... it got to the point that when i'd see her in the halls, i'd be look 'oh geez, opps! i forgot something!' and whirl around..." she then acted this out in the animated way of hers... she threw her arms up in the air and spun around, nearly running into two senior boys. i grinned and pulled her back around, we continued our walk to the office.
she told me the lady nearly drove her son insane, he became schitzophrenic... she drove him crazy, but he's okay now... he was a very smart boy, "valedictorian..."
the time had come, i was really late. i had to leave for the hell i call work... i hugged her bye, whispered "thank you for listening" and walked off.
i went to work.
they gave me the day off... figures...
