04/06/01 -- 3:26 p.m.

i cannot breathe.

i cannot think.

my heart is racing.

my vision is blurred.

my heart aches,

it pounds.

i can hear it...

it's so loud...

i'm worried.

this whole day has been fucked, it cannot be real. i'm drifting and wanting to cry, yet i smile despite the aching and i try to act happy... but there is this nearly intolerable pain, this gut feeling... so dazed. so worried, so concerned... fuck this, i cannot take it anymore.

04/07/01 -- 4:37 p.m.

"if you go expressly to look at the moon, it becomes tinsel." --ralph waldo emerson

i just chewed off all my fake nails, i kept them on all week, thats nearly a record for me. they were this great color, dark blue but they appeared greenish under certain lights. i had put the nails on, very cheaply and they served their purpose. maybe i'll put more on tomorrow... but i do need a new color...

i started thinking this morning about boys and my trust factor with them. i do not trust them. somehow i don't think i ever will either. i cannot even vaugly see myself wrapped contently in some guys arms. no ones. i cannot see ever trusting one, resting my head on his shoulder. because i've been burned so much that the idea of that is too far out of reach. i've seen it too much, i've been through it and i don't think i'll ever be a part of it.

but i do live in a dream world.

i see myself marrying down the line not out of love, or even lust. but i see myself doing it so i apprear to have a normal life. thats it. but honestly, i don't give a shit because i'm still living in the moment and only partially in the past.

i'm alone today. mom went shopping with my gran and my step dad went somewhere, hunting i think, but i really don't rememeber. i got up late and was in the shower when mom shouted bye. she called later and i asked her to bring me home a piece of oreo cake from austin java. i need that, i have been craving it all week and i'd like to spare a half a tank of gas driving there... she said she might if it's convienent. and i roll my eyes right now thinking about what convienent must mean to her.

i've spent the morning online, not really accomplishing much, just kinda dazed and thinking... this is enough for now.

04/09/01 -- 10:10 p.m.

mom picked me up from school at 11:00 today, we went to austin to find me a prom dress... looking was hell, my self-esteen always drops when i try on shit. as a matter of fact, i look like shit in everything. we finally found a gold and black dress, it's poofy and pretty and has green in it too, its hard to explain. i got new 40's inspired shoes and some new jewelrey.

we ate at austin java and i'm trying real hard to make myself like coffee. mom and i split a pizza, then we split a reeces cake but it was real dry and mom bitched about it.

i'm so tired right now...

i think i'll drag my miserable ass to bed now...

goodnight.

04/12/01 -- 12:45 p.m.

today ashley waved at me, it was awkward and all but i swore to myself that i'd make myself be nice. that i'd smile and be civil. that i wouldn't let her get to me... i didn't. she smiled, i smiled, she did a slight wave, and i did too. and still i feel nothing about it...

i had great plans for tonight but my mom spoiled them and i was okay with that i guess since i'm in a dazed type mood anyway. happy, thoughtful... yet always so fucking miserable...

i put on my pink wig today and an old bandana... lots of black eyeliner and glossy pink lipstick. i bought a cherry limeaide at sonic and the girl that waited on us told me so loved my hair. i smiled and tipped her $1 on a $1.18 drink. i feel nice.

juls came with me, she giggled and she rented a shitty movie that i've seen before... i put in valley of the dolls and she was quite bored. i do so love that movie though... she can just not like it. shes boring a lot anyhoo... we are so different but i praise that because i'm so fucked up that it's good she's different.

04/14/01 -- 11:55 a.m.

"i hate the sun, but it's nice to know it's there." --johnny rotten

i'm hungry.

i've been saying that a lot lately but i always get too distracted with other things. neglecting the wretched pains in my stomach. so i sit here, close to shaking from hunger, and keep typing. tap, tap, tap...

i'm so fucked up lately.

i cannot make myself get up off the internet and i know my moms about to blow from anger of seeing me on here. plus, i'm on *her* computer... mines too damn slow. but she has not thrown a big fit about it yet, maybe i am overusing the privlege but i *need* on here... i have shit to do. i keeps me sane i suppose...

i have to go to work in 4 hours. it's amazing how i dread it and count down the hours. it cannot possibly be that bad and i should make a lot of money tonight. it's just trying to stay sane in those hours before closing. it's doing my head in, i'm working too much but the cash does pay off because i don't have to dread car payments. i can go grab a burger and know i will not suffer for it all week. i maybe can buy another mannequin head and some more wigs... the possibilities are endless...

no, really. i have to *save* it. i have to be responsible.

tsk, tsk... tsk...

i've been working on filling out my graduation invitations for the better half of the morning. moms so afraid i'll put it off until the last minute that she's making me do it 2 months beforehand. shes such a typical virgo.... organization... bleh.

anyway i'm going to go now.

04/16/01 -- 10:07 p.m.

“the hardest thing to do is watch someone you love, love someone else.”

i had to change clothes, i had to get comfortable... i haven’t been feeling good today and it

seems everything is getting on my nerves... everything. i don’t even know why. i cannot seem to shake it, this feeling, this anger in my heart today. i feel like my head just might explode... it’s my mom mainly. it seems everything she says to me pisses me off. aggrivates me with such a fiery intensity. the sound of her voice is making me cringe, i bite my lips to keep from snapping at her, i try to block her voice out. sometimes i want to choke her, yet i don’t know what i’d do without her. i suppose it’s a love/hate relationship. but thinking about her right now makes me clench up my fists.

things have been rocky with her and i lately... we are both mad at each other. and we both cannot have a simple conversation without going off on each other. she doesn’t understand me and i’m tired as fuck of her constant bitching and the shit she dishes out to me on a daily basis. i think for her the feeling is mutual. i don’t care though. i never wanted to move out as bad as i do now... i cannot stand to be in her presence. it’s never been this way before.

i cannot do anything. she keeps me in a fucking box.

take yesterday for instance... i worked all day yesterday in the smelly old cafe while she was with our entire family for a nice little celebration. this didn’t bother me as much as it would usually. i’ve accepted the fact that in order to keep certain things i love i must make some sacrifices. in this instance, working. i don’t like it. in fact, i hate it with a fucking passion. but i must. so i hold down two jobs and work my ass off 7 days a week.

when i got home i was tired. but it was easter and i wanted to do something memorable. i called dawn, who is my best friend right now, and asked her if she wanted to go do something tonight. i told her i didn’t care what it was, but i needed to get out of the house. of course dawn was up for it in her usual gypsy-like manor. she told me a band was playing in a little town called “gruene” and that she’d ask her sister, collette, and colette’s boyfriend if they felt like going. she said i’d love the place and that we’d have fun.

i kind of wanted to go to the bohemian coffeeshops in austin... but figured they were most likely closed with it being easter and all. i told dawn to call me back once she was able to talk to collette.

meanwhile i took a shower... also meanwhile my mom came home from the get-together... i was putting on makeup and told me that i might be going to see a band with dawn, doug and collette. she began questioning me in her usual way, when will i be home? who all is going? how far is the place? who’s car are we taking? i told her i was not even sure if we were going but that i’d definately let her know. she kinda nodded and then her and my step-dad went out on the boat...

i ended up calling dawn back a few minutes later and she told me that doug had just gotten off work and didn’t want to go anywhere. i asked her to meet me in town by the library and that we’d discuss what we wanted to do.

she did. and she was only a few minutes late, which surprised me since she’s so often late for everything... she smiled from her car and for an instant she looked like sharon tate. her hair had gotten so long, long and white... with just a hint of black roots. her chisled tanned face. such a beautiful girl, i would do anything to look like her. she's so graceful, so free.

she jogged up to my car and climbed in. we sat there in my car... the top down, the sun out. thinking, pondering.

“whatdaya wanna do?” i asked.

she giggled then shrugged, “whatever you wanna do”.

we decided to go to the dancehall. i’d never been and knew thats what she really wanted to do. we also didn’t want to drive all the way to austin only to find everything closed... i called my mom and left a message on the recorder saying that dawn and i were going to gruene. i hung up the phone, we started on our journey around 7:30 pm.

i mainly wanted to feel the sun and wind on my face, to get out and away... dawn put in a nick drake cd... the beautiful tunes intermingled with the sound of the wind and the hum of the motor. we were quiet for a while, then we were talking, dawn and i get into such deep conversations so often. i told her about how i want to go to california this summer... august 9th in memory of sharon. to spend time on the beach and roam around the bright lights of hollywood. just for a few days... her eyes shone.

dawn is such a gypsy and she awed at the whole idea. i knew she’d want to go, because she’s always up for anything spelling adventure. i invited her and she was all for it. dawn, the only person who actually supports my dreams and backs me up. my true best friend. we did a lot of planning on that long drive, i told her about sharon, and her life... and her death. she listened attentively, quietly, thinking. she’s like me, she thinks too much. her white blonde hair was whipping in the breeze, she squented in the sunlight. i pressed harder on the gas.

dawn wanted to get to gruene before dark, and we did. as we neared the final turn we came to a train track... the lights were flashing, we could hear a train in the distance, blowing it’s horn. coming our way. dawn was laughing with excitement. i came to a full stop only a few feet away from the track. we watched as it got closer and closer... honking so loudly... it began to pass us. we looked in the front and the young engineer with a cowboy hat on was hanging out the window waving at us. we waved excitedly back and the train continued to steam by. i took out my camera and we climbed up on my convertible and took pictures, laughing the entire time. dawn asked me if i could imagine what it would be like to kill youself by laying on a train track, i thought about it a little while as it went on by in that whirlwind and we sat back down and continued along.

gruene was just like the picture dawn had so vividly painted in my head.... a small quaint town, a creek rushing through it, the amazing purple and orange sunset hiding behind thick trees. we parked and tried in vain to comb the tangles from our hair. we finally shrugged it off and started toward the dance hall. we went inside, it was dark, neon lights, smoke. the band was taking a break so we went back outside. the town was so old fashioned, old mansions, brick sidewalks... the whole small town atmosphere.

there was a general store. it was cool in there and smelled really good. we sat on a barstool and ordered old fashioned cokes... then we wandered around. i bought some cookies, a jimmy buffett cassette tape and a stuffed kitty cat beanie baby. it was like we had stepped back in time.

we went back to the dancehall, the band has resumed playing... they were hard to classify... rock/reggae/jazzish... but they were good and we sat on an old bench and watched them... it wasn’t really crowded, there were a few people dancing and there was such a light air to the whole place, happiness...

when the band quit playing we went outside. i called my mom to let her know we were starting home...

she sounded mad, short and snippy. she began questioning me, telling me she thought i was going with a group and how dare i go with only one person and in my tiny car?? what if i hit a deer? what if i broke down?

i hung up after making a lame attempt to calm her down... i brushed it off so dawn wouldn’t worry and we got back in my car. by now it was dark, the stars were out and it was a lovely night. i put in my new cassette tape and the islandy music poured out. we started home... it was a long drive, we didn’t talk much...

i did tell her how she’s the only person that completely understands me. we talked about

“emotionally vain” people... and about thinking too much. and more about the california trip. we planned details, talked about what all we’d do and where we could stay... we considered gas mileage and how we’d save the money.

we went to wal-mart, i bought notebook paper, hairspray and fake eyelashes.

i dropped her off at her car, told her i’d call her next week.

i went home. mom was awake watching a movie. i went up there to let her know i was home, dreading what all she’d have to say... first off she told me the shirt i was wearing was too thin and that my eyemakeup made me look like “a whore”. she said she was really mad i went in my car to a dancehall with only dawn. she made it out as if it was a bad place to be... and it wasn’t at all. i couldn’t explain. all we did was argue. she told me i was not going to california in my car, not unless i got it under my name... that was a big mess, she put down my every idea... and it was left dangling, nothing was resolved just bad shit was brought up.

i started to feel queasy. i went to bed. i couldn’t sleep all night because i felt like any moment i was going to be sick. uneasy sleep finally came...

she woke me up this morning... she tried to bring it all back up but it ended in an argument again. we pretty much ended up just saying hateful things and both feeling emotionally shattered.

nothing is how it used to be. she’s barley talking to me... i kinda like it this way, at least for now...

i still feel sick.

"nobody is perfect, until you fall in love with them."

04/21/01 -- 12:57 p.m.

my mother says i am attracted to disfunctional people. not just as of in love, but in general. generally speaking, as of even friends, my acquaintances... etc... she says i am drawn to them to try and help them, to try to change them. to try those who cannot (or will not) be changed. she says i shouldn't do this because i'll only become let down and it will blot out all my positive energy.

i sit here in silence pondering that exact statement because i wonder if it is true... and if so, why it's true... isn't it easier to be drawn to normal, happy people? isn't it easier to want to have the drive to be happy, rather than to be depressed?

-----

it's saturday. it's so pretty outside. i'm not suppost to be here... i'm suppost to be at a seminar with my mom... a seminar hosted by a psychic that we are friends with. i forget the theme of this seminar but the last one was on angels... they are interesting and all but last too bloody long... i wanted to go, i did... but i knew i had to work today and for that reason i was dreading being tied down, in an uncomfortable chair all day until it was time to go to work. so, i didn't get out of bed this morning... mom came in, dressed in her heels, ready to go. i was in bed.

"so you're not going?" her voice rang out.

i didn't open my eyes, "no."

"ok well..." she said sarcastically, "make sure you don't get on my computer, you finish filling out your graduation invitations, you vaccum, and you clean your room."

"okay." i rolled over, shut off my alarm, and intended to only sleep until around 9:00... that way i'd have time to get the stuff tended to and not feel like i'm going directly to work.

it didn't happen that way, i finally rolled out of bed around 12:30, took a shower and searched in vain for a trace of food in this house. i came up with nothing... so not i'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not to call in a to-go order to scavenge some more... why the fuck can my mom not buy enough food? i mean we *have* food but it's all stuff that requires cooking and i'm not going to be *cooking* this morning (errrr... afternoon)....

-----

prom is next weekend, i need to call jessie and make sure she found a dress... i need to also hope she didn't get a slutty dress because it's a school function and all... and she's kinda my guest. we are not taking a limo, the lady who was going to loan us hers is having to use it for a wedding or something... we decided to take my miata, just jessie and i but i got a phone call. a tear-infested phone call from my friend cara. melissa supposidly dissed her at the last minute and she had no one to go with... could she maybe ride with us?... i explained the car dilemma (i.e. having only 2 seats in my miata, and 3 people wanting to go...) so we are now taking cara's convertible, which, thankfully actually has a backseat. i'm having to keep in mind that cara's never driven in town, is a terrible driver, and has the attention span of a fly... but no one drives cara's car but cara, so cara has it all in her hands... heh, i'll just sit back in my poofy dress and try to enjoy the ride...

i think i'll go find something to eat now...

maybe the 60's mannequin head i ordered will arrive today... the one i ordered to hold my pink wig.... hurmmmmm....

04/22/01 -- 6:24 p.m.

i hate feeling ugly. i hate doing anything when i feel so completely unpretty... i cannot stand having on no makeup, wearing clothes that i'm not completely comfortable in... i hate knowing i look like shit, therefore, feeling like shit. for me, it's okay to sit around the house when i feel unpretty, to just momentarily shut myself away from the world, shut myself out... but when i have to present myself that way, in a frumpy, unattached way... well, it's just a horrible feeling and i hate having to do that.

i'm not vain as i sound, really, i'm not. i'm too lazy to be vain. i'm not a primpy person either, but i like to have to together... i have low self-esteem, but it's even lower when i'm not hiding behind a mask of makeup, or when little things are not right. little things annoy me about myself... for instance, if my hair is not right, if my bangs do weird things, if my clothes do not fit right... it intensifies until i want to just scream.

today was one of those days that i'd like to just wipe away forever.

-----

i worked today. it's always work, work, work... usually i don't bitch too much about it but tips were really bad today and i *hate* waiting tables at lunchtime. i *dread* it. last night was wonderful though, that made up for it... i don't work next weekend, prom. it's nice having a weekend off... prom is overrated though... i'll be glad when it's over and i can move on with my life.

-----

i cannot concentrate today, i think i'll just stop and go pluck my eyebrowls or something... they are annoying me... everything is annoying me right now...

i'm such a fucking bitch.

04/25/01 -- 9:47 p.m.

i did it! i was inducted into the international thespian society... remember all that hard work? the tears, the frustrations of being in theatre?... the memories i smile upon, even the memories i agonize over?... well this is my pay off.... the thing i worked so hard for... i am now a thespian!

it doesn't feel like i thought it would though... there were no fireworks... at one time it was so important to me, but now, it just seems like another speed bump in my path to growing up. i reached my goal but sadly by now the novelty had worn off it... but i am still happy... i am a thespian.

kida got caught cheating in frann's class yesterday. she told me about it today, she lowered her voice and began to tell me all about it... a girl had come to her after school the day before and told on a few select people who were cheating... she said she was tired of working so hard studying to pass, and seeing goof off's pass on account of cheating. frann was *very* upset, "and most of them were kids i never dreamed would do a thing like that!" she said that hurt the most. ..."i was in tears after school yesterday...", my face must have matched her in frustration with those kids. it was worrying her, she kept bringing it back up. i hate it when she's upset. sometimes i feel she's my only friend these days.

as she was telling me this we were walking down the hall, we were nearly to the office when a voice called her name... we both turned, half startled. davy, a buff jock came staggering up... "hey ms. a... i was thinking... have you seen that movie 'lady and the tramp'? well, uh, you know the dog in it named peg?" frann look confused, "well i just remembered, you remind me of her..." she laughed... we turned.... i kept giggling because I *did* see where he got that... i asked if she knew what dog peg was, she shook her head with an amused smile on her lips.

"she's the fluffy one!" i said.

"oh lordy!" she laughed.

she decided to re-arrange her classroom, and she did, all the desks, everything, she put a poster on the board, it said all bags had to be put by the front door. she was not accepting cheating.

"if they want to act like babies, i'll treat them like babies."

she told me she needed to wear all black all week and wear black lipstick and decorate the room up in black and white pin stripes, like a cell. we both laughed.

i need to go now, to much to think about...

night...

04/26/01 -- 10:08 p.m.

i cannot believe it's so late... i musn't take naps anymore... they throw me off on time. it's so hard to wake up too, and i feel so drained, not relaxed afterwards... i should never lay down because i know i cannot help but fall asleep... ugggh!

-----

janet jackson is cool, i just decided that... i just watched a show on her and i've decided i like that whispery voice very muchly... she was interviewed on our local radio station the other day too. she's very down to earth which is something i never expected out of her.

-----

i had my nails done today after school because i didn't work... they are pretty and french manicure... i go and pick up jessie tomorrow, gee, i miss that girl. i'm getting excited/nervous about prom, too. i'm not thinking in clear terms tonight...

goodnight.

05/02/01 -- 9:31 p.m.

i cannot believe it's already may... god, i graduate this month... i find myself sitting here completely dazed... unable to decide if i like the prospect or not... i don't think i do. i'm unprepared. unsettled. i'm having second thoughts... i don't think i can handle it. no school is a good thing, i guess, i just wish i could just freeze time, just for a moment and relish in it... make everything right and have no fears... but i cannot. i wish i could just sleep it off and wake up refreshed...

-----

yesterday frann caught me off guard, "i guess you heard about yesterday?... didn't you?" her eyes flashed and she carefully shut her closet door, turning back to me.

i blinked, shook my head, "no."

she let out a sigh, "you didn't hear what sarah did?"

i shook my head again, "no, what?"

she was noticeably strained... it showed in the creases on her face... around her eyes, she looked tired, almost frustrated, but she smiled anyway, making an attempt to look cheerful. then she said she was cold and fiddled with the thermostat. finally she wandered back to her desk and i followed her. her voice was lowered, she didn't want anyone else to hear. i stood close by, she sat down.

she began the story... sarah was being a trouble maker again... she said she had tried to avoid sending her to the office at all costs, but she kept on and it was distracting the class. she was becoming a real problem. she said yesterday she heard sarah say something, she muttered it and i couldn't pick up on it... but it was obviously bad... she said that she told sarah to never use that language in the classroom, she warned her... she was on thin ice, she had been for a while...

sarah giggled, obviously trying to impress her friends... frann raised her voice again, "sarah, do you want to go to the office?" she asked. sarah stood up, fuming. she sreamed out at ms. a "i don't care if you send me to the office, do it! send me!!!"

frann sighed as she re-told this to me... "so i started writing out a referral" i could tell by her voice that she didn't want to. then she looked up and continued with her story...

she said sarah was so mad, she stood up and threw her pen as hard and as far as she could... then she screamed as loud as possible, "i HATE this fucking class!!!!!!!!" then she stormed to the door, she flung it open as hard as possible and used both hands to slam it shut behind her "with all her might". she said once sarah left the room was silent, no one uttered a sound.

"i continued to write the referral" she sighed again, her eyes looking so tired. i knew what all of this was doing to her... she said by the time she got to the office sarah had already turned herself in, she told the vice principal everything. mr. k (our vp) came to talk to frann in the hall... he told her she had every right to file a suit against sarah for how she acted... frann just shook her head, "no i don't want to do that." he had frowned and said, "yeah, thats what sarah said you'd say..."

the whole situation is terrible, considering how close vicki (sarah's mom) is/was with frann... sarah had told mr. k "she won't file suit, she won't she too good of friends with my mom" sarah is milking their friendship for everything that its worth.

this has been pissing me off all day... sarah is suspended now and i don't want to talk about it anymore.

goodbye.

05/06/01 -- 12:00 a.m.

my feet ache.

i worked all night in some really uncomfortable shoes... it rained last night, thundered all night... hailed some. i got off work late. i had parked in a ditch... there was water in it and it was dark, i was rushing and stepping in puddles was just unavoidable. my shoes got wet. they were still wet when i got ready to leave for work today. i had to put on my nine-wests, the ones that i like so much but are too small... i worked in them all night, i didn't complain... my feet hurt now. i drove home barefoot. i stepped on a snail on my way into the house... that was a gross sensation.

-----

there is a big fat fly flying around in here, he's fucking annoying me!!! i cannot kill him because he won't sit still. i think i'm going to scream!!!!!

-----

i got a new vinyl top installed on my car on monday. i'm happy now. it doesn't leak and looks nice. i'm paranoid of scratching it now, the back wondow... but it's better than it caving in on the back... and better than having water pour onto my lap.

i'm thirsty.

-----

i'm better now. i went and got a pepsi upstairs, i'm flipping through a magazine now, and the fly quit bugging me... i'm tired now...

goodnight.

05/13/01 -- 2:52 p.m.

it's sunday again.

mothers day.

i just got off work and it's raining.

its not raining hard... just one of those unexpected little showers where the rain cascades down and the sun filters through it. my head it wet, and my shoulders are too, i had the top down on my car on my way home from work and it caught me unexpectedly. cars drove by and looked at me as if i were crazy but i kept driving with a smile on my face. in all honestly, the rain felt great. i've been working all morning...

i think i'll go have a shower soon.

i also must go by wal-mart and find my mom a mothers day gift... and develop film. there is never a moments rest.

i took a whole role of film last night in under 5 minutes... we had a family reunion and by the time i got home from work the kids were asleep and everyone had been drinking for quite sometime. people were acting silly and some were acting downright dumb. my step dad in particular... he's such an ass when he drinks. annoying as hell.

the house smells weird right now and i wish people would go home. i need my sanity back and to get organized for tomorrow.

i need to order some mary kay makeup.

i've decided i need that...

i love you all...

bye.

05/15/01 -- 9:08 p.m.

"philosophy... is the words on a cereal box, religion... is the smile on a dog..."

tonight is too fucking warped and confusing. i didn't want to cope or to type but i know i have to force myself to sooner or later... so here goes... i appologize in advance.

i'm so down in the dumps lately, honestly i have no good reason to be... no valiable excuse. seems all i do on here is bitch. i guess from the outside everything looks peachy... everyday i put on a happy face and try to act as if my mind is not a big mass apprehension and concern. a confused mind and hurting, aching soul. i try to be excited about graduation, to act the part. i've fooled a lot of people so far... but still, even when i smile, i'm numb inside. i cannot shake this neverending fear that i have of myself and my feelings...

i'm used to it. i'm immune by now i guess. i should be, but god... sometimes its so hard and sometimes i know inside it can and will only get worse.

i'm so fucking confused.

there's just too much going on up there.

goodnight.

05/31/01 -- 1:16 a.m.

it's really gotten late.

i have not written in weeks and everything feels so hollow... so much has happened. i'm behind again. i cannot even begin to explain the intensity and whirlwind my emotions have been in lately, maybe its best that i didn't write... it would seem so fucked up. its just a mass of good and bad things. my life is a goddamned rollercoaster and i don't think i'm any closer to sorting it out than i was when i began this diary. yet i've come a long way... experienced a lot, learned a lot about myself. and about love and sacrifice... and loyalty, and friends and trust and hope...

the diary went through a change. i wiped out the old blue tones and started fresh with pinks and blacks, such expressive colors. i need to start fresh too... wipe out a lot of the old things. began again so to speak with a clean slate.

though my emotions are still left dangling and unmended... i'm going to try to write again daily now, or at least more... it's good for me. venting and just having a spot to sort everything out.

i'll try to fill in the gaps tomorrow, for now, i'm too tired...

goodnight loves.

06/01/01 -- 12:18 a.m.

it's late again.

and of course i'm awake and tired and making no sense once again... i just finished a 6 hour online defensive driving course, so needless to say, my brain is quite fried...

mom woke me up this morning and told me i have to have it finished by the end of the day and so i did it. she said she didn't want my ticket hanging over my step dads insurance and stuff, she did the whole guilt trip thing and it worked... i didn't even argue because i've finally realized that its just a waste of my time and energy with her.

moms piss me off. i need to go to bed now...

goodnight.

06/07/01 -- 10:17 a.m.

the skin on my face has gotten so soft... at first i thought it was just my overactive imagination, but now i'm sure that it's not just that... i've never really been one of those primpy people with a specific beauty plan, one who goes the extra mile to take care and preserve my skin. it just never occured to me that i should be doing that, and i was perfectly fine with that really... a little soap and water to remove the minimal makeup and i was fine. skin care products? no thank you.

ever since i met stacy though my whole perception has changed. she's positive. she's bright. she's smiley. she's like nothing i've ever experienced before... but i like that. and of course, stacy sells mary kay and she wears makeup and she's into skin care and such...

stacy and i swapped a few e mails yesterday, which was settling because i had not talked to her in a while... and of course a part of me wondered if maybe her mother mentioned the letter that i sent. i've been paranoid about that whole situation lately and i think it really was a good thing for me to see frann yesterday and kind of "clear the air". i know where i stand with both of them now and it feels nice for once.

stacy and i mainly touched base, but in my response to her it slipped, i told her all about the letter and my paranoia of sending it. i ended it by asking her if she thinks i did the right thing, knowing frann like she does... this is what her reply late last night said:

I bet that felt good to see her today and to get everything "off your chest" in the letter. I think you did the right thing! It is never healthy to keep things bottled up inside, especially when they cause so much pain! You are very smart.... and you did the right thing! I think after today, you probably felt better, right? I will always be here to listen, whenever you need me!

she's so sweet and that completely relaxed me... and, if frann was mad at me, i don't think she would have invited me to lunch tomorrow, but still, i have this other paranoia that she just might be doing it out of guilt. i'm so selfish lately because i don't care anymore. i'm tired of people letting me down. of all people her she's supposed to be my inspiration, and she knows it, damnit.

anyway, mom went to town to get her nails done and i have the house to myself. dawn called this morning, we were suppost to go to austin early this morning, shopping but she has to work until 1:30 so our plans are just kind of on hold for a few hours. besides all this skin care stuff, and makeup stuff, wheew, takes a while... ;o) so there is no rushing on my part and i think i'll go take a shower soon...

c'est la vie

06/08/01 -- 2:28 p.m.

i am in a nice little daze... floating around the room, deep in thought. it's raining outside and the sun is peaking out through the clouds. i can hear the wind blowing the windchimes outside, it's a pretty day though...

i just got in from having lunch with frann, yes, the scheduled lunch that i've been both dreading and looking forward to since wednesday.

she pulled up seconds behind me, in her black sports car... i was sitting in my car and she did a quick wave and strode toward me, commenting on how i matched my car. she was wearing denium capri pants. "i guess stacy is going to be late" she said and at that my mouth dropped.

"oh, is stacy coming?"

"yes." she smiled and i felt somewhat relieved of that, stacy, the ice breaker. we went inside and sat on a bench just inside the main entrance... we started talking, about the women's fair, college, and this and that... little things and every so often she'd glance at her watch and make a statement about stacy's latenessthat's just typical.

we decided to go ahead and have a seat and we chose a seat outside on the balcony overlooking the lake. the sun was shining and there was a fan on. several people came up to her, she knows so many people in this town. she'd greet them and hug them and say hi... i never felt out of place though, she introduced me and it was nice.

she handed me a card with clouds on it and my name in black. she said she was going to buy me one of those pull down ironing boards, because it would be good for college, but she said as she thought about it more and more she thought i just might beat her over the head with it, so she settled for money. i don't know why she'd think i'd do a thing like but thats just her way of thinking and its amusing and i laughed.

stacy *finally* wandered up, fashionably late, wearing a chic blue flowered skirt and a gold mary kay pin clipped to her blue sweater, her blonde hair was tostled and she still had that HUGE smile and bubbly voice.

when she finally sat down the sky had just turned gray and rain became pouring down... the wind brought a light mist right into where we were sitting. the waitress took us inside. another lady and her daughter had sat down with us, she used to teach at the high school... they were all discussing principals and how mrs. j got fired... frann said something about it being a "little peyton place". finally the lady left... we all ordered soup and a salad. it was good and the talk was light... we talked mainly about how frann needs a new computer and how outdated her one at home is. then there was talk about mary kay... etc. it was so nice being there with them... two teachers whom i adore more than most anything. my inspirations.

we ended up out in the parking lot, and we hugged and frann told me to come see her up at the high school on monday. i told stacy to have fun in dallas this weekend at her mary kay event, she told me to e mail her.

i feel nice.

06/11/01 -- 1:43 p.m.

i just got back from the school. it was practically empty... there were a few stragglers left after summer school... a boy i didn't recognize smiled at me on my way in through the front door. the halls were dim, but the office lights were on. i could see the end of the hall was dark... i was just noticing things that i've never noticed before, in an all new light. i'll never attend classes there anymore. it's over. and it's a type of shocking numbness. i don't like it.

i wore all black, i've been doing that a lot lately... my hair was pulled back, which i never do anymore... the school was cold, as always. i went straight for frann's door, down the hall. she said she'd be there.... 12:30, "anytime, really". it was 12:42, but she said "around" and it probably didn't matter to her anyway.

i was staring at the ground as i walked but i glanced up as i neared her door, it opened. two short blondes stepped out and i had to blink before i realized that it was both frann and stacy. i guess they had to blink too before recognizing me with my hair pulled back in the dim light.

i waved, "hi ya'll!"

both of their faces broke into smiles, "oh hey girl!"

stacy was wearing tan, her hair wasn't as fixed as usual but she still looked pretty in her clean cut, girl next door way. i don't remember what frann was in, i usually pay attention but i felt so lifeless that i didn't really notice. i don't even think i really looked at her, or absorbed much of anything. i just remember she was smiling and her hair was still very curly and around her face... and she was weighed down with bags of books. stacy was holding her mary kay folder... thats about it.

frann suddenly said: "OHHHHH! the book! oh i forgot it..." i just smiled, i had expected it because it's so like her to be scatter-brained and forget it.

i turned to walk with them, i asked where they were going and either frann or stacy one said they were going to a mary kay thing. frann said she thought i had cut my hair, since it was back and stacy said "yeah, i thought the same thing."

frann was walking a little bit in front of stacy and i, i asked stacy if she had fun in dallas this past weekend and she grinned and said, "yes!"

i noticed frann was struggling as she walked with the biggest black bag and i took it off her shoulder when she wasn't paying attention. "natalie..." she barley resisted, i tossed the heavy, HEAVY bag on my own shoulder.

her and stacy were rambling about how mrs. p will probably forget to turn off the lights in her classroom... i don't know where that came from but i guess it's normal mother/daughter chatter. frann turned into mrs. p's learning lab and i assumed this is where they planned to do the "thing for mary kay". i set the big bag on one of the desks and frann thanked me.

i remembered then how frann said she needed to be quizzed on the mary kay consultant information. i didn't want to stay, i know they wouldn't have minded, but still. frann sat down and started getting organized and i leaned over to give her a hug, then i turned to stacy and hugged her. stacy asked "so what are ya gonna do?" i knew she was about to invite me to stay but i told her "i'm just going to go home." she frowned, "you drove all the way here for this, and she didn't even bring it?" her face was creased, i could see frann out of the corner of my eyes, oblivious. i nodded, "it's okay, really."

stacy asked, "what was it?" i sighed and frann looked up, "just my senior memory book, its no big deal, i can pick it up tomorrow."

frann frowned, "i just completely forgot, oh natalie, i'm so sorry..."

i assured her that it was okay, and it was, i really don't care "it's not big deal" i told her.

she looked at me "yes it is. it is to me."

stacy was still frowning at her mom. "mom have you been taking your memory pills?"

frann nodded, "yes." she answered.

i laughed, "are you REMEMBERING to take your memory pills?"

frann laughed as stacy said "mom, write yourself a note, please." she looked exasperated. she knows how important her mother is to me, i could read it in her expression.

"that's what i'm doing" she was already up and peeling a yellow post-it note from a pad on mrs. p's desk. she stuck it on the back of her leather keychain, very matter-of-factly and took out a pen.

stacy sighed sarcastically at her mom, "shouldn't you write it on there BEFORE you stick it on there, so you have a flat surface?"

frann wrote "nats book" in black pen, it looked fine. "nope. see?"

stacy just sighed again and winked at me.

frann was sorting through some paper work, stacy told her she wouldn't have so much to grade if she wouldn't assign so much. frann agreed with her but shrugged it off. she started to open her consultant folder and i told them bye once again and left.

why do i feel so lost?

i'm not mad at either of them. it ended on a fine note... i'm just so frustrated and lost lately...

06/16/01 -- 1:00 p.m.

the day of the mary kay host party is in just a few days, i'm so excited that i can barley sit still. seems that's all that is on my mind lately... seems that's all i can think about. which i guess thats a good thing... it keep my mind off of that person but i know that it's only temporary.

i've been working more lately too which i guess is a good thing. yesterday i worked from 9am-10pm... it was tiring but not as bad as i expected. i work this evening, and tomorrow i have off.

i need to go find a pink dress to wear as hostess, and then monday go pick up a corsage that i ordered for stacy. white daisys with pink carnations, i imagine it will be beautiful.

my grandma is here, i must go socialize, and eat...

ciao.

06/26/01 -- 8:55 p.m.

it's windy outside and i think i just watered the plants for nothing.

mom is in cozumel, the house is mine for a week.

i don't miss her as much as i thought i would, but i just feel weird... i cannot explain it. just very detached.

there's lots of news.

frann got married.

i don't feel like elaborating.

the mary kay party went well, both frann and stacy came. it was wonderful... it really could not have been better. i stored it in my mind, forever.

i also bought a webcam, which is fun... i'm hoping some of my friends will get one, too.

i cannot think to type.

i love you all.

07/07/01 -- 2:34 p.m.

i'll be 18 in 20 days!!!... i can start selling mary kay! my life will change! things will be positive, finally. i will be able to focus on something new and goal oriented. i can start with a clean slate.

i can exist without that person if i just have something else to concentrate on to take my mind off of other things... i can and i will live. and i will be happy.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm never happy and i never feel settled unless i'm obsessing over something... whether that be a person, or a thing.

starting this MK thing was fate and for once, i see purpose in everyday life, and i see why that happened. and i'm excited about it.

i feel things sifting away romatic-thoughts-wise... in another, we are closer than ever before. but in that romantic, never out of my mind sense it's all fading... i never wanted that but i can focus on something positive that doesn't ache. this is something REAL that can be. it hurts like hell though, because there's still this deep love and intense sadness.

in the end, i might have lost my imaginary love, but i've hopefully gained a career forever.

09/06/01 -- 2:19 a.m.

jade told me to be gentle with myself.

i saw a double rainbow today and i fell down the stairs.

i've done a lot of thinking and i feel like i have not made any progress at all.

09/11/01 -- 11:01 p.m.

it is just all way to much to fathom... this day, it's so terrible. yet terrible is just not a strong enough word to put forth all of the words tumbling through my head to explain this disaster. and a disaster it certainly is. there is no explaination, and it has not sunk in yet either. not for me, not for many many people. this isn't a bad dream either, it's real.

how can this be happening?

i have a feeling this is the beginning to a lot more. i can't see it as the end of the world... not yet, but i see much, much more coming our way. it's scary and it seems we are so helpless. the foundation of our freedom has been shattered. we are all in a helpless daze, trying to catch our emotions and get a hold of ourselves. we cling to shreads of what once was as we attempt to piece together our future and attempt to map out the terror that has unfolded before us.

this day will go down in history as one of the most bizarre, most terrible.

i hope this is an end, but i know it's not. much more will happen.

i fear this is a mere beginning. maybe even the beginning of the end.

to much is happening in my head right now. disaster, love, pain, regret... i just cannot handle this, not right now.

goodnight.

09/12/01 -- 11:21 p.m.

i still cannot think clearly.

i talked to frann on the phone tonight. she sounded detached, not very much herself. i don't know whether she was drunk or sick. she coughed a lot, her voice was hoarse sounding. when i asked if she was alright she just said that she is "emotionally drained" and that the kids are taking the whole tragedy rough, but that they "have to learn it's a part of life."

i went to wal-mart today. i needed to get some gold ribbon. i bought some glittery butterlys that i stuck to my walls, it looks nice. i'm trying to cheer the place up a little but the bare concrete floors stare back up at me. there's not much i *can* do.

there are crickets in here too, and i cannot sleep for that. i never knew crickets could be so damn annoying.

aol has not booted me yet, so that's a good sign. maybe it's because not as many people are online.

i'm worried about cia too. she's in new york and i know it's so rough on her. it's rough on all of us, let alone being in the middle of it all. she was not on today and i'm worried again.

this is just all to much. i don't think i've ever had this many emotions, this quickly.

i was driving down the road today, listening to the broadcast on the radio... they began playing the star spangled banner on the radio. they added in clips of people talking about the tragedy... it was just very, very sad.

tears were rolling down my cheeks.

it seems everyone is just so fragile right now.

10/06/01 -- 12:53 a.m.

it rained today. it drizzled. it was muggy, overcast and the sky was dark. it didn't thunder though... it just came down in sheets, smothering everything in rain drops. pelleting from the sky. then it cleared up again... but was always dark. the day crept along slowly, every hour seemed tripled even though the sky seemed like the day was over.

i had to make myself drive to the cafe, i waited until the last possible minute. i hate it there. and honestly, hate is just not a strong enough word. i dread it. i do. i consider it my own private hell. and i know i should have quit a long time ago, but something always kept me there. i don't know what... but it was something. and i go, i threaten myself that i'm going to quit, but i never could... i always went back. again. again and again.

but today there was a simplicity to that drive. i put the top down on my car, let the rain saturate me and the leather seats, i wanted it to cleanse me of all negativity. and the drive allowed me to clear my head. and i drove up to that cafe, and i breated a sigh of relief. i knew this is the last weekend i'd make that dreaded trip. i put in my notice last weekend and i knew, inside, that i *could* manage one more weekend. and i would. just one more before i can turn the page on what i call a very negative period of my life.

the period in time where i'd haphazardly jot down scribbled poetry about someone i loved so deeply. someone who consumed every single thought of every single day. a time where i was degraded by a vengeful woman who thrived on seeing me crumble. a period where the salt of tears always seemed to come at the very thought of going back. how i'd hold on to every thought of being away. and how i cursed the day i returned. back when she was kind to me and welcoming.

but it all turned gray again and the evilness of her ways came through again.

i just cannot take that anymore.

i am not strong enough to endure the pain of it anymore. it has scarred me. damaged my emotions, brought me down at a time where i needed to be uplifted. but it has also taught me a great deal. it's time that i became smart and moved on. this is overdue.

well overdue.

goodnight.